I was up till 3AM last night with a hurricane in my head. Past 40 hours have been beautiful and I am grateful for them. The date that we had and the conversation afterwards which didn’t seem to end. But as I sat down with a pen in my hand and yellow colored parched papers of my diary, my throat went dry. Everything that we shared made me go into a trance of realization of how I first fell in love four years ago and how it all started and I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or not, but the similarities are hard to ignore and that realization has opened up wounds I thought were healing. Sometimes it’s better to read beautiful pages from glossy paper hard bound pretty cover books than to make that book your own and create a chapter out of it.
I think I loved you when you distracted me while I was trying to gather my thoughts about GST. I think I loved you when you told me about your first experience with alcohol. I think I loved you when you shared the story of shedding tears in the lap of nature. I think I loved you everytime we crossed the roads. Roads for me are like I own them and I walk like I am the queen but then you made me feel like a child on the road having fun. I think I loved you every minute.
But a part of me gets scared of happiness. I read about love, I write about love, I feel love all the time. And I am not used to being loved. And I am not used to the happiness associated with moments of love. As much as I enjoy them I get scared of the hurt that comes along. Nothing in this life is not balanced. If love gives you a high feeling it also gives you an equally low feeling and that low place sucks so much that high feeling feels scary.
I will look for reasons to get out of it, I will look for reasons to abandon everything good in fear of uncertain risky future. I will look for reasons to find wrong in what felt right. And I will regret my choices and decisions but then I will make peace with it. Time. It’s never the time that passes by. It is you and I and I let it because falling trap to some insecurities are better than some uncertainties.
And as Sarah Kay and Phil Kay said
“Love arrives exactly when it is supposed to and it leaves exactly when it is supposed to.”
“Thank you for stopping by.”
From 40 hours of love to 40 rules of love in attempts to avoid heartache.
“Where there is love, there is bound to be heartache.”
Sometimes there are times in life when the only companion is your own shadow which hides itself after dark. Maybe that’s why nights are lonesome. Only if I could switch on the lights at night but darling I am too tired fighting off demons inside the layers of skin. My blood flows with frictional battles underground beneath layers invisible to naked eyes. Only the soul is naked yet hidden. Eyes closed, let’s sing the lullaby and drift into peace forgetting we exist.
Yes. And no. Honestly I do not know. Because souls are beings. They define our very existence. Souls are neither happy nor sad. Souls are just souls. Souls are life and a proof that we are alive to feel the emotions of sadness and happiness. Darkness is an attribute we associate with emotions of sadness, jealousy, envy while happiness, bliss and laughter are the light in our lives but two contradicts can very well coexist. How I cannot explain but you can feel them. Being sad doesn’t make you a dark human or a dark soul because a sad person either gives up on life and commits suicide or he uses his sadness to create art. Art that will be so powerful and passionate that it will make you feel uncomfortable. Dark poets are always celebrated yet criticised. Paradox? Irony? Maybe. Because some things are so intertwined that it’s impossible to pinpoint. Fascinating are those that radiate sunshine through their wounds of hurt and sadness. And divine is this thought that gives meaning to art and life.
My dear, souls cannot be dark, souls cannot be sad. Souls can only be drunk. How? Ask the Nightingales.
आज हवा ज़रा ठंडी है, करीब आजाओ,
तुम्हारा हाथ थामना है।
तुम्हारे हाथों की गर्माहट में मानो, ज़िन्दगी का सुकून है।
And when you look at me with those eyes,
There’s a fire that lights up inside the cells of my body and want to embrace you in a sudden fashion so that when my head rests on your chest, I listen to the song of your heart singing love songs.
तुम मेरे अंदर वो एहसास जगाते हो, जिसे मैं खो चुकी थी,
तुम्हारा होना ज़िन्दगी को गुलज़ार कर देता है।
हो सके तो मेरे प्यार के गुलाब में मोहब्बत की खामोशी बन जाना।
I’ll love you in silence. You just keep the windows open when winds come to say hi.
फिर जब किसी दिन कोई हवा का रुख तुमसे मिल जाए, समझ लेना के मैंने प्यार भेजा था।
There’ll be days when you won’t feel fine and everything around you will stop making sense and there’ll be things that you need to get done but your body will protest, your mind will go stressed and your heart will feel exhausted. You’d want to be alone and nothing will make you happy. On days like these, think about roses that bloom in the garden with lush red petals which is often the color of love and lust. Think about how this one rose sets everything right when you give it to your loved ones despite having thorns in it. Your index finger often bleeds when you touch the rose but the soft gentle feel of the petals and the fragrance still makes you smile. On days like these, find a soul like that of rose which makes you smile even when it hurts. And soul doesn’t mean you need to find a human. Books, music, even rooms have souls. Just hold on to that soul for some moments and let the universe speak to you in silence. In silence, we all are one and you’re not alone. Those days turn around and smile back at you bidding farewell to the feeling of not being fine.
Once there were two girls
Girls who were classmates and liked each other.
One had a gang and was popular enough.
The other one was an insecure student with no friends and hence became the teachers’ pet.
She wanted attention. She wanted to be liked by others. She wanted to befriend the popular girl but then she realized she is a misfit and not needed around. She started reading novels for the first time back when she was 15. She never liked novels her mother got for her but read comics. Her attention span was short. She wanted to please people and feel accepted. She was messed up like any 15 year old and lonely. It took her sometime to befriend her loneliness and turn it into beautiful solitude. That popular girl remained her Faraway friend with whom she shared this really enthusiastic HI whenever they met.
Years pass by, both graduated from school and went to Delhi University. Coincidentally both joined girls’ college (different ones of course) and incidentally remained in touch after school. They met each other once or twice an year, had quality time and wished each other a happy birthday on calls. You know that’s a big deal in today’s time. Eventually they both became mutual admirers of each other.
They both were Faraway Soul Sisters. They did not know.
One fine day, they just start talking regularly and for some strange reason both go on a journey of self discovery. They both indulged in deep life talks and absolute shit too but it was all too good to be true.
The point is that humans evolve. The popular girl embarked on a journey where she evolved as an art and the other one became partially mature but mostly angry young ambitchious woman. Both are insecure. Both look forward to self discovery. And they are in this journey together in the present moment but they are not sure how long their companionship will last but sometimes there are moments you feel that these two are Faraway Soul Sisters who are as messed up as those crazy crows that flow. Yes flow. It’s not a typo. The sentence doesn’t make sense to make sense of the point you see. I don’t know how to end this blog post so I will go by saying
“Mac and Cheese is the greatest invention of all times.”
P.S. Thank you for being my Faraway Soul Sister.
To my dear Readers, I am sorry to disappoint you with such a weird ending but you see now movies are open ended so why can’t blog posts be 😉