So yesterday, I stumbled upon this Ted Talk called Stop Trying So Har. Achieve More by Doing Less by Bethany Butzer. Technically, I did not stumble upon it, my mother made me watch it. My mother keeps sending me motivational videos and Ted talks to keep my life on track because I get derailed easily and often too and it takes me 2-3 incidents to turn into a crazy ass rebellious teenager at the age of 23. (Side note- My mother was married by this time and she was being a successful adult so there is quite a pressure there, not externally but self-created)
Okay so, this woman in her Ted talk talked about being an Achievement Addict and I could relate so well to her. As a kid, my mother had put me into various classes so that I can learn the following skills- Painting, Dance, Singing, Kathak, Crafts, Piano Lessons, Theatre lessons etc etc because if you have watched the stand-up comedy of Kanan Gill, your first child is THE PROJECT. You want that child to be the best child in the world. And so my mother tried and me being me, didn’t stick long enough to get an expert at anything. The only thing I ended up being excellent as was to study and top my class. Imagine being a topper since LKG and continuing the tradition even in college. I had become an achievement addict. And as I grew up, I did all the things my mother tried for me to do and I have been pretty good at it even if not an expert. I became the most famous and most loved student in school by the time I was in 10th and my name is still remembered by all the teachers and quite a huge number of students from different batches. And so is the case with my college years, everyone basically knows who am I except myself.
At my age, it is very difficult to have a CV of more than one page but here I am with a CV of 3 pages which I need to shorten often whenever I apply to places.
And I always put in too much effort everywhere because I have become addicted to all the love, approval and appreciation coming my way. And it sometimes gets overwhelming because my friends end up telling me that I don’t know how to be relaxed or be chill enough. I stress too much, I work too much, I slog too much and I do have a hard time dealing with criticism. There is a compulsive need to be liked by people I like and not everyone will like me, but I have a hard time dealing with that. Either I am always in this zone where I feel that I am not good enough or I am in the narcissistic zone where I feel like I am the best person and nobody deserves the best I have to offer but that’s just a temporary zone because there are times when I do feel like not giving a flying fuck but I do care a lot so it gets conflicting.
All in all, I forgot to live life in a simple way because whenever I will be having an ordinary day I will get bored, I will feel I am not accomplishing anything and I will go out of the way to do something that would make me feel accomplished and good enough about myself.
But now that I have realized these things, I have been in the realization zone for quite a long while I must say. So I am making certain lifestyle changes, I am trying to be good, to be better and to enjoy the ordinary. And to just exist and trust me it’s not that bad.
Yes, my inner achievement addict is still very much active and it still wants to do so much but I am training that addict of mine to not seek approval, to not go overboard and to not become extra. And it’ll take time.
Point of writing this blog post?
I am still figuring it out, I just had to write it to keep this realization alive. I write mostly for myself because I have a lot to say and writing things out helps me get clarity to my own head. You’re reading it just by chance and it might interest you and make you explore your inner addicts maybe?