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Coping with high functioning depression

Nobody realizes this but I am depressed. I only feel like I deserve to live when I get work done. When I am productive, I feel like okay I have done something worth to be alive. And when I don’t do anything or when I don’t get that feeling, all I want to do is to die. I am not sad. But I am always tired. I am always having something on my mind and while I love pampering myself with expensive foods, I know I am not pampering but filling an emotional void with that cheesecake, with that brownie. I have hope. I know I am not a gone case even when I feel like ending my life preparing various scenarios in my head. A part of me always pulls me out whenever I am on the edge of ending it all. I am not that weak to put a full stop yet. I want to fight because I know I can. I know I have been a fighter. Somedays are really hard, I try to keep myself happy but sometimes all I really want is to sleep for eternity and not being productive gets me into further depression. I feel guilty for sleeping, for not having the strength to work. I feel guilty for having emotional eating sessions. When you look from far, you will find absolutely nothing wrong with me and even near too. Because I am always available to solve other people’s issues and I do solve their issues effectively. I feel guilty for even coming out about it but then I know it’s best I come out, maybe someone will hear me out and help me with a problem which seems almost invisible and all in the mind.

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Solo Travels #1

Hello! my dear readers,

It’s been a while since we met. I haven’t been too active with my blog writings lately because for a while I have been feeling that my writings were focussing on the same themes and getting repetitive so I stopped till I had new content and today I do have a lot of new content to write upon.

I have always literally craved solo trips, as a 24-year-old young Indian girl, I wanted to explore the places and just have the experience of traveling alone by myself in a new city and this time I got the opportunity to do that, thanks to my job. Otherwise, getting permission for trips is another ball game altogether, because by nature, Indian parents are overprotective and they don’t understand the thirst for traveling and experiencing new things. For them, living an ordinary life in the comforts of the home is the best gift you could give to yourself. Anyhow, I had to go to Amritsar for some official work and then I took permission from my boss to have few extra hours, instead of taking a straight morning flight, I chose to come back by the night train. I checked out of the hotel at 12 noon and then off I went to explore the city.

I won’t write about my city travel experiences but how it felt to be alone. First of all, it felt extremely empowering to figure out places and itinerary by myself. Finding a cloakroom and keeping stuff there and then hopping about the local places, markets and talking to people for directions and help, it was empowering. While I was anxious too about whether I will able to find the Golden Temple or not, or whether I’ll be able to figure out how to get inside and keep my stuff somewhere safe and do photography too. I was always cautious about where I kept my wallet and my phone. What solo travel actually teaches you is to be constantly aware and be in the present moment which we often forget in daily routine. The mind is constantly wandering, this time it wasn’t. I was too focused on getting to the right place. You learn to trust people and trust the universe. Solo travels look very tempting on Instagram but they are a lot of hard work, patience, stamina, and presence of mind. Mostly I have people around me taking care of me so I move about lost, not keeping track of directions or sometimes harmful elements too because I have someone around but this time I was way too aware of my surroundings, people looking at me, I was constantly checking if I was being followed which I don’t do normally in my own city while Delhi is an unsafe place in itself. More or less, it was scary at times but mostly empowering and I can’t wait to go on a full-fledged solo trip again.

I managed to meet a few kids and locals and had some stories which I shared on my Instagram blog. Solo travels give you people and stories and a human connection to cherish. Here is a toast to all those who travel alone, you’re doing a great job and those who want to experience it, you must. Don’t be too adventurous in the initial stages, explore slowly, build confidence and then go wherever you want to be!

Happy Tripping!