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What Depression Feels Like?

I have been clinically depressed for the past 4 months and life has been hard since then. I have lost interest in most of the things I loved to do. My concentration levels have fallen too low. There are days when I cannot get out of bed and all I fantasize about is how I want to die and ways to kill myself. I feel nobody understands me anymore and I feel incapable of expressing myself in front of anyone. I have way too many filters now. I feel too fake with everyone I know. Whenever I try to open up, I get scared. I get scared of disappointing people I love and then them leaving me. I feel like I am failing everyday of my life. Everyone and everything says that Love Yourself but I am unable to accept the human I am, how am I supposed to love myself. I feel blank and unhappy most of the times. And writing things out helps but not always. People say, talk about it, but there is nothing to talk. It’s just constant feeling of unhappiness and sadness and lack of will to live. I don’t feel ambitious anymore. I don’t feel capable anymore. Others have more faith in my capabilities than I do myself. They say that the strength is within but I feel too weak. Even sitting up and smiling takes effort. Happiness takes effort. Life takes effort. This is what depression feels like. It’s Diwali and I don’t see the light.