Serendipitous Musings

After Dark

Waking up to a morning full of mission and goals,

I run to bath, to bus stand and hang around metro poles.

Breakfast is eaten on the go and sometimes forgotten.

Full of energies for work yet exhausted without supplies of caffeine.

This generation as a whole is messed up.

People in relationships feel tied down and restricted when they want to be selfish.

People who are single have big dreams and no one to stop them except the person they see in the mirror.

Sometimes all they need is to be loved instead of being workaholics that they are and the ones in love want some space despite the fact that they love their better halves.

We are a generation of messed up souls.

We are super productive throughout the day chasing our dreams, getting promoted, achieving milestones and working towards our goals and occasionally cracking up jokes, hanging around just because it’s cool and we need a break.

It’s after dark that our hearts become vulnerable and we open ourselves to our own deep thoughts and feel scared and broken.

And existence becomes a pain.

Loneliness is our only companion in nights of gloomy rains.

I have often found rains romantic. My heart still feels like a hopeless romantic and sometimes it is a dead stone thing. Paradox you may call it. I call it experience and disappointment and an effort to protect.

Wearing hearts on the sleeve makes life pretty beautiful but at the same time prone to accidents, stabs and murders of emotions of love.

After dark, there is darkness within and Harry Potter comes to rescue.

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.

Communication and little bit of love is the light we all seek, it is the light we all need, it is the light we all have within, it is the light we miss to find within. It is the light that exists and therefore we exist too.

Every morning brings a new day even if the pillow is wet because of tears of last night.

Hope arrives every morning in the form of sunlight.

So whenever, you feel the darkness within after it is dark, just go to sleep.

Sleep over your problems, sleep over your sadness, sleep over your tears and let sunshine smile through you.

That yellow light on the face brings a smile that will fight off all the demons that haunt.

Life is beautiful and powerful. You are sexy, just go out there and flaunt.

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I have been a student ever since I can remember and summer vacations, have always been a part of my life. In school, it was always about visits to grandma and loads of holidays homework and an outstation trip with family. This routine continued for 15 years of schooling. In college, summers meant reading books, attending events around Delhi which catered to literature, poetry, art, theatre, and music.  There were friends who used to do internships to build their CVs while I was happy sitting in my AC room reading one book in one day and consuming huge amounts of cold coffee and well, getting fat. One summer I got so fat that I had to go to the gym next summer. Anyhow, coming to the summer of learning.

Summer 2017

It was compulsory for masters students to do an internship during the summers. When this announcement was made, I was distraught. I was so upset that I gave up all hope of having a good summer in March only while the semester was still on and then there was this Internship hunt. I am so glad that I did not have to suffer to get an internship, I got an interview scheduled through college placement cell and when the interview happened, I was so relieved because the first interview of my life went amazingly not because I was amazing, well I was good enough but my interviewers were such beautiful happy people. I knew for a fact that if I get lucky to land up with an internship here, my summers are going to be just perfect and guess what, I did get lucky.

These two months of summer have been so enriching that no words can do proper justice. Here’s a tribute to each of the person I have had the pleasure of working with. I will first start with our Director of the Company, Dr. Kamal Vatta.

Dear Kamal Sir,

No words will ever be enough to deliver the amount of gratitude I have towards you. You have been a fantastic teacher and each and every discussion with you has been full of wisdom and laughter and such a combination is rare to find. With you, I have learned to enjoy the work and work did not seem like work. Every morning when I used to wake up, I was excited to come to the office because of this constant feeling “What is new today.” Thank you so much, sir, for everything, from lunches to software classes to giving us the freedom to experiment and come up with new things. So much gratitude.

Dear Sandeep Sir,

I would like to thank you for your wonderful insights and quirky jokes that brought smiles every day. Your stories and characterization of people whom you have met are so beautiful. It is your stories and bringing ideas from the stories for the work is awe inspiring. Your constant guidance and that faith you show in our experiments are to die for. Thank you so much, Sir.

Dear Shweta,

Our interactions have been less but each of them was pretty. I think I have had more fun with you because you are the similar kind of crazy as I am but just a little less. Those golgappas and singing in the office kitchen moments are something I will cherish for a long time. And thank you for the lovely book.

Dear Ashish, Parisha, Priya, Himanshi, Surya Sir,

Conversations after 5.30, and those walks to the metro station full of jokes and laughter are things to remember that will bring a smile as I sit next year on the same WordPress blog to analyze my next summer.

Dear Garima,

Even though we did not get much time, I have had some wonderful conversations with you in the beginning which I will cherish. All the best for your new life in a new city.

And I cannot forget Dubey ji, who always took care of my caffeine needs.

Last but definitely not the least, my internship and college mates,

Shilpi, Kumkum, Vibha, Sanya

Guys, working with you has been so much fun. This bonding which we have developed is here to stay. Thank you so much.

And that’s about the Internship Diaries.

Now coming to unimportant things I am productive at,

Sunday Book Market, Dariyaganj check

Book launch attended check

Theatre event attended check

Poetry event attended check

BYD’s Mac and Cheese check

Movie screening at IHC check

Meeting my lovely friends check

Reading all day check.

 

Well, it has been a summer of learning where I attended so many events, read so many research papers, to be precise I read 67 and I also developed a habit of reading academic magazines. So all in all, it was the best summer of my life. Thanks to everyone involved.

And how can I forget mom and dad, and bhai. They put up with my nautanki while I was off social media for the summer.

Dear readers,

I hope you had a good summer too.

 

Flow of Life

wordpressIn this journey of life,

we all flow like some semi-solid liquid,

slowly moving on because we have to

but resisting change too.

In the process of growing up,

we feel like grown ups.

Life has become a bit stable

when we have so much work on our tables.

Workaholic is what I am becoming,

Sunday’s sleep is what feels like the homecoming.

Friendships are few and happy

Love life is as non-existent as the battery in the lappy.

“Ambitious ladkiyon ki zindagi mei pyaar k lie jagah kahan”

Profound are such discussions with dear girlfriends,

This poem will now end.

“Jeena yahan, marna yahan

Iske siwa, jaana kahan.”

Maunder

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Image Source: DeviantArt

Poets, musicians, and Harry Potter talk about love and friendships and life being all about it. We make so many promises to others and to us. I don’t feel like writing poems anymore yet I want to write. I feel that we all are same individuals going through same things and making the same promises and breaking the same promises. Poets come down to the same theme, writers, in the end, come down to explaining the same things in the end and life quotes on Pinterest all tell the same thing. Yet they all are different and unique in their ideas, and way of expression. Self-help books and videos of TED talks does not really tell anything new. They all tell the things we already know but don’t register and forget. Everyone says that it is okay to not have a plan and everyone wants to have a plan in life so that they succeed and get what they seek and yet unplanned things turn out to be the best things that happen to us in life. Of Promises that we make to ourselves and to others and I wonder how many we are able to fulfill because promises change with time and they evolve like we do. It is said that one cannot change the belief system of an individual easily but did you know that our minds are so malleable only that we do not allow and use the malleability feature. I am very stubborn myself. Poetry they say is an art and I agree it is but when I read poems, they all seem simple and something that anyone could write but the fact remains that there will be only one Rumi, one Gulzar, one Shakespeare, one Mir, one Basho and only one Mirza Ghalib. And it is extremely difficult for me to identify my style. Every writer has a style of writing and they know and everybody around them knows but I am unable to find a particular style of my writings, I have written prose, I have written slam poems, I have written some shaayeri in hindi and urdu too and I have written some tiny tales too. No, I have not written on wars, neither on poverty, nothing about going outside in the world. My poems feature ideas meant for children books, what happens inside my head and love, you see the ones who have not experienced teenage romance, relationships or anything remotely romantic for real write the most about love and now I am tired of that theme as well because it is all beautiful and a garden of roses in fantasy world while in real world, we all are alone in our journeys. I have realized over the years that my family is my true love because when it comes to expressing my love for them in words, I cannot. Words fail me then. I do write things on their birthdays, they always feel incomplete and insufficient to describe the emotions I have. And I often come across as a very selfish human being to many and I won’t deny that. I am selfish like we all are, the only difference is I chose to admit that I am. There’s no such thing as unconditional love in friendships, it is all about mutual love and understanding and acceptance. If you are not prioritizing me, and if I love you, I will put with you for a while and then I will leave when I get fed up and I might act mean too unapologetically. I overperform myself when I am really hurt and I can be the laziest girl on my best days. Not many people understand or put up with me and neither do I. If I do not like you I will make sure that you know that I don’t like you and if I do, I will kill you with my over affection. I cannot do things in moderation as we are taught. I work too much when I do or I don’t work at all. I do not know how to be in balance. My ideas of life are too extreme and too much childlike. I am overambitious and laidback. I am hardworking and lazy. Yes, I am the best sort of weirdly wired paradox.

Why did I start writing this and what was the whole damn point of digressing so much? I don’t know why I started writing. Maybe because my mind was too full of thoughts and I just wanted to clear it all out in order to start working on my research report whose submission is due next week and I have to write about 10000 words full of academic ideas on one single topic.

Dear readers,

I don’t know whether you like my blog or not, but then if you are reading it till here, you must have liked it. I just want to thank you for sparing time to read rantings of a girl with a confused mind who thinks she sees things clearly. I hope you have a good day. I should go back to the routine of working and academic writing which will not provide me satisfaction like this but it will definitely help me get a degree. See you until another impulse comes to write a poem or something like this.

I have to let go.

How many times does it happen in life that we get attached. I am a person who gets attached very easily. I am attached to memories, places, books and most dangerous of all, people. Even though I read a lot and even though I am extremely well read about things in life, success, failure, loss, love, art, poetry and attachments and the art of letting go, the law of attraction and maintaining a balanced life. I am only human and I often fail at managing my emotions, I am the kind of girl who has been blessed with great career opportunities, amazing teachers, wonderful family and loving and supporting friends but I fail at relationships. I am not the kind of girl who plays the game of “hard to get”, I am an extremely straightforward and often confused person because my moral system says something else and my wishes often collide with my moral upbringing. I am an old soul in this new age. I love too much when I happen to love and that somehow ends up in hurt because the universe doesn’t like for me to be in love. When I graduated, it was so hard for me to let go of my college campus, almost every month I went back to my college just to sit under “my tree” where I finished reading so many novels over three years of graduation. I would leave my post grad classes early just to go back to my alma matter and have that cup of caramel coffee. I still haven’t let go of the place where I found myself, where I learnt to write poetry, where I had my first performance on a large scale, where I created so many memories and met so many amazing people. And now I have to let go of my alma matter. I am learning to move on. But you see, I am a slow learner and life wants me to be a little quick, it is making me part with a very dear friend and letting go has never been this tough. As we grow up, our attachments grow stronger and as we grow up, a lot of people leave. Some leave you for good and some leave you and they teach you a lesson. Some leave only to come back again and when these people come back, you forget that they can leave even now. Saying goodbye once is hard, saying goodbye twice is the hardest thing. But I have to let go now and I have no clue how will I do that but I will, someday.

 

My heart is like a child,

a very delicate child,

it does not know the art to let go,

it only knows hope.

Hope that angels exist.

Hope that love is forever.

It lives in a dream land and does not like when life wakes it up.

My heart wants some sleep, some sweet dreams.

But this child also knows it has to grow up,

it will have to parent itself.

It will have to let go.

It will have to let go.

I have to let go.

Lost Star

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It’s you and I sitting on a bench looking eye to eye,
Your fingers entwined with mine and there’s purple color in the sky.
The angels of the universe might have liked the purple of your shirt as much as I do.
Your presence offers comfort and fear because with you I don’t know if I am in my comfort zone because you’re challenging at every step. Loving you is like a ride I am not prepared for. Being loved by you is a dessert I have never tasted but want to but at the same time I am afraid of spoiled taste of beautiful single life.
You’re my vulnerability. Looking you in the eye sets my soul on fire. Your fingers put my heart in a frenzy choir.
You’re my biggest strength and my worst weakness. With you, my vulnerabilities are what I witness.
I wish I could tell you, I could never really have you.
I wish I could tell you, I could never let go of you.
You’re my lost star in galaxies of this heart.

It’s Okay To Be Wrong

Dear You,

It’s okay to be wrong.

Wrong and right are subjective concepts. And so is success and failure. Everything is in our minds. Our minds are powerful tools. Most people live their lives getting controlled by their minds and not controlling their minds themselves. They spend their lives in an unconscious state. Our beliefs n ideas about ourselves, the concept of idealism and wrongness and righteousness of a particular action is often defined by external forces and our own minds. However it is ever changing. What maybe wrong today might turn out right tomorrow. So darling, I want you to stop and sit still. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to be wrong and fail and fall and get hurt and bruised and broken and damaged. Life is cutting you off edge by edge. You’re a diamond in process. Let life cut you up and let your wounds bleed. Because all that’s happening now will help you shine bright later. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel like shit. But it’s not okay to get stuck. Feel every emotion completely. Spend some time with your grief. Address it. Acknowledge it. Accept it. Love it. And let go of it. Keep all the beautiful lessons it left for you as souvenirs and get going.

Yours lovingly
You. ❤

#LettersToSelf