When I close my eyes, I feel the touch of your fingers on my lashes.
There is a scent of wet mud and hot sun in my room.
I have no room.
The feeling of your touch goes away as soon as it came as if it never was there and then, right in the centre of my chest a little towards the left, I feel a void that marks it’s existence every now and then.
I lose my sleep over the replayed flashes.
I have neither roll nor camera.
You come to me in the silence of the dark when sleep sits peacefully in my eyes.
You conquer. I am no longer myself.
Your being overpowers my existence and I become like a torn leaf in a storm that you bring and I go wherever you take me.
I have no where to go. You leave.
I dance to the full moon and sing to the sun rise and shine brightly like a fresh flower in the morning making everything around me romantic and exquisite.
One fainting breeze of you.
Spring of life becomes an apocalypse.
Do you see the sun falling behind the dark clouds by the side of the sea?
I feel the warmth sun radiates from being behind like you steal a moment to kiss me on my shoulder and when I turn around to hold your hand, you are not there but your presence leaves it’s essence.
Do you see the moon shining bright tonight? The stars are all being lazy and hiding behind the darkness of the sky like you whose first love is darkness and lust is my presence. But you know that love always overpowers and you leave traces of your fingers on my nape while you submerge yourself in the darkness of your demons.
You know you are my drug and yet you fail me each time. And I, no longer rely on you for fleeting alive moments. I would rather be a monotonous muse.
If I tell you that I still belong to you,
Would you dare to still listen to me?
If I tell you that it broke my heart to be mean with you,
Would you still have the audacity to come back?
If I tell you that you have broken me into pieces over the entire decade,
Would you still have the heart to ask me to take you back?
If I tell you that I still believe you even when I know you are lying,
Would you have the face to lie to me again?
If I tell you that I know that I am just a convenient distraction for you when you need love,
Would you still create psuedo dreams to manipulate me?
If I tell you that I have known each of your wicked schemes and still chose to love you,
Would you for once be real?
If I tell you that I don’t know how to unlove you,
Would you please break me and scatter away my pieces so that I can never pull myself together and trust you ever again?
Would you do this?
I painted my imagination with you in mind,
Unfortunately, it was all black.
Cloud of thoughts that floats over the canvas has colors of us which merge to a rainbow.
Black was not your imagination, it was the sky of shackles keeping us apart.
The colours were long lost when you said ‘school is over’, each day, we now fight a battle of our own which ends in either white or black.
O my friend, how do I keep you?
You are young, wild and free,
Reach out and achieve the fame,
For souls like you can’t be tamed.
Why any of us has to be tamed?
Why do we need fame?
I am just floating with the wind of the universe
Sitting with you writing a verse.
Darling, let the wind paint the colors on the canvas of our lives,
The blacks and the whites are just feathers of time.
Love like ours is eternal.
Imagination is like fine wine.
Note: The piece where I am the muse and my muse is my co-author. This is not a poem. This is a WhatsApp conversation.
It was raining when you looked me in the eye. Your presence makes me feel the best and the worst about myself. You are beautiful in peculiar ways. You are not handsome. You are not good looking either. You are just you who makes me feel things that I can’t really comprehend. I have loved you and I continue you to love you so much. But we are not meant to be, can you see it? I have been seeing it for the longest time and there is terrible looking thing called hope in between us binding us through invisible threads of time. But I see them breaking, one atom at a time. It is scary so as to how much I want to feel your heart thump against my ear and how much I want to choke you with my hands and let go of your love.
Whenever I said that you have hurt me, all you said was that it was just a bit of love. Darling does love hurts? I have been told that only allowing you in the walls of the temple will hurt and there’ll be river of red flowing but there are oceans of saline water creating waves while the heart bleeds nothing but love.
The ones who love us really know how to hurt us.
We are closer than ever yet so far apart.
I am lost in this Galaxy, don’t try to find me. I will be the star burning so bright that the light will be the cause of the death. Darkness is my prey.
And love, my weapon.
1. Inner peace is not over-rated.
You know what. I am having an existential crisis. And I am the independent girl you would like to call when you are in crisis. I have always thought meditation and looking for peace is over rated. Trust me it is not. Yes I do feel awkward sitting by myself trying to chant “Om Shanti Om, I am a peaceful soul.” Because clearly I am not. I try to calm my demons every now and then and there they are dancing around fire ignoring my attempts for serenity and laughing right back at me and when I get exhausted, I enjoy their company. Let inner peace take a backseat.
2. Comfortably Numb.
This feeling of being comfortably numb is as addictive as coffee. One just craves to be there if you’re going either way. Happiness comes with *Conditions Apply. And when moving on towards sadness, comfortably numb is an alluring destination. We don’t realize that there’s no destination in life, it is a journey with stations to stop by. But you know I keep missing my trains often.
3. I am a needy girl but I won’t accept this fact.
I am a normal girl (well not exactly normal). I want a good career. I like to be independent but at the same time, I have the same dreams like any stereotypical girl, that I often judge. I do crave having a relationship. I do wish for a guy to pamper me with clichéd romantic gestures. I do wish to have a perfect relationship with my girlfriends, have nightouts, pajama parties, sleep overs and gossip sessions. Instead I hide behind this statement, “I find all of this boring, reading books is my escape” well books are indeed my escape but these things are not boring. I just call them boring because I don’t get to do all of this. I like to have attention. When people appreciate me for my work, for my strength I like it. I don’t take criticisms really well but I am learning to. I am fairly independent yet not so independent. I fight my own battles yet I like someone to be around just to listen to me. I might say I am okay even when I am not but then I will tell you everything that bothers me if you say you have time to listen to me when I ask “do you have time? Can I rant a little?”
I know I can manage everything in life because I have been doing that. But that doesn’t negate my needs and desires which I often mock at just to make myself feel comfortable. I am a needy girl but I won’t accept this fact.
4. I think I’ll make it anyway.
Despite 1,2,3 I still think I can make it because I do have the best people in life. I do have the best of books to depend on. I do have an amazing family and career and teachers. Romance is not everything I am told. Maybe someday I will start living without the desire for romance because trust me rest everything I have.
5. Why are you reading this? What you shall gain by reading about a girl like me?
You’re reading this because we’re all made of the same stardust and I want you to know that we all have our shortcomings, some we accept, some we don’t. But we all make it anyway. We all are blessed in so many ways even when we all have been broken at one point. Let’s just hold on to our dear ones and twist our lives through because walking straight is not our thing after all these years.
Coffee is something that is necessary for adult life. It’s a beautiful and necessary addiction. My mother often scolds me for having too much coffee but the thing is you can never have too much coffee like you can never have too many books. It’s a drink for work, for deadline completion, for exams, for leisure, for bonding with new people you meet. It’s a drink that serves purpose. It is a drink that helps us pretend that we have a purpose in life. And it’s tasty.
So when my mother tells me not to have coffee because it interferes with my reproductive organs, I do listen to her occasionally. I did change mindless addiction of 6 cups a day to 2 cups or maximum 3 cups a day but the thing is I cannot abandon this lovely drink. The thing is I don’t want to abandon this lovely drink. I haven’t had my first kiss because I am always busy kissing coffee mugs with my favourite book with me. Dear coffee, you’re the only true love in my life. Thank you for your existence.