Apocalypse

When I close my eyes, I feel the touch of your fingers on my lashes.

There is a scent of wet mud and hot sun in my room.

I have no room.

The feeling of your touch goes away as soon as it came as if it never was there and then, right in the centre of my chest a little towards the left, I feel a void that marks it’s existence every now and then.

I lose my sleep over the replayed flashes.

I have neither roll nor camera.

You come to me in the silence of the dark when sleep sits peacefully in my eyes.

You conquer. I am no longer myself.

Your being overpowers my existence and I become like a torn leaf in a storm that you bring and I go wherever you take me.

I have no where to go. You leave.

I dance to the full moon and sing to the sun rise and shine brightly like a fresh flower in the morning making everything around me romantic and exquisite.

One fainting breeze of you.

Spring of life becomes an apocalypse.

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Fine Wine

I painted my imagination with you in mind,
Unfortunately, it was all black.

Cloud of thoughts that floats over the canvas has colors of us which merge to a rainbow.
Black was not your imagination, it was the sky of shackles keeping us apart.

The colours were long lost when you said ‘school is over’, each day, we now fight a battle of our own which ends in either white or black.

O my friend, how do I keep you?
You are young, wild and free,
Reach out and achieve the fame,
For souls like you can’t be tamed.

Why any of us has to be tamed?
Why do we need fame?
I am just floating with the wind of the universe
Sitting with you writing a verse.
Darling, let the wind paint the colors on the canvas of our lives,
The blacks and the whites are just feathers of time.
Love like ours is eternal.
Imagination is like fine wine.

Note: The piece where I am the muse and my muse is my co-author. This is not a poem. This is a WhatsApp conversation.

And my weapon.

It was raining when you looked me in the eye. Your presence makes me feel the best and the worst about myself. You are beautiful in peculiar ways. You are not handsome. You are not good looking either. You are just you who makes me feel things that I can’t really comprehend. I have loved you and I continue you to love you so much. But we are not meant to be, can you see it? I have been seeing it for the longest time and there is terrible looking thing called hope in between us binding us through invisible threads of time. But I see them breaking, one atom at a time. It is scary so as to how much I want to feel your heart thump against my ear and how much I want to choke you with my hands and let go of your love.
Whenever I said that you have hurt me, all you said was that it was just a bit of love. Darling does love hurts? I have been told that only allowing you in the walls of the temple will hurt and there’ll be river of red flowing but there are oceans of saline water creating waves while the heart bleeds nothing but love.

The ones who love us really know how to hurt us.

We are closer than ever yet so far apart.
I am lost in this Galaxy, don’t try to find me. I will be the star burning so bright that the light will be the cause of the death. Darkness is my prey.

And love, my weapon.

Heart on the sleeve

To love is the most personal thing ever. You just identify one human and make him or her the subject of your affection. We human beings are born with a heart and in this real world of fake people and transient forevers, this heart of ours gets beaten up often and we become this cold distant humans whose hearts are locked up because we are too afraid of love and feeling vulnerable. That feeling when your soul is absolutely naked in front of someone you love is unsettling, it gives you a pittish feeling in the centre of your chest and your bosom feels ached to be hugged and held tight but that doesn’t happen and you continue to live like that feeling that void and carrying it with you wherever you go. You don’t know the beloved’s heart. You may know it and it may break your heart but you still choose to keep going on feeling strange and having that heart on your sleeve because for a moment Rumi’s words heal you and you believe in universe and destiny and Ted Mosby who taught you to never give up on someone you love even when it completely destroys you and there you are smiling and going on as if nothing has happened while your heart lays exposed like never before. I have got only one thing to say here-

Dear heart,

just own it like you have always owned it. Afterall hearts were made to be broken. Keep showing off the sleeve.
Or maybe just fade off slowly while you bleed with your heart on the sleeve. But never lock the heart inside. Never.

What’s the whole point?

People are weird. One day someone would say that you mean the world to them and next day they could be absolutely mean without any reason. And I just experienced this. Honestly, if this would have happened few months ago I would have been mad or hurt or angered but now I have reached a stage in life, where if someone wants to stay, stay and I am glad and thankful. If someone wants to leave, leave and I am glad and thankful. If you leave without a reason, I would be upset for a while but then life goes on and it doesn’t matter in longer scheme of things. Instances like these make me wonder about the bigger things, what is the purpose of life anyway and how many temporary people are we supposed to meet till we actually figure out life? I love too easy and I let go even easily because if you don’t want to be around, very well, because I have got super high self esteem to let you mistreat me or disrespect me. And at the same time, if you offer little bit of love and respect, I am ready to walk over oceans for you because I don’t do things in moderation with calculative moves. I have lived my life with heart more than the head because you see I have strict parents and the moment my heart goes towards something irrational my mother comes around to save the day. What is the point of this blog post anyway?

People are important and people leave and stay as per their own state of mind. Be thankful to the ones around and wish well to those who leave. As far as you are as an individual is concerned, just keep moving on like devanand sahab-

“मैं ज़िन्दगी का साथ निभाता चला गया, हर फिक्र को धुंए में उड़ाता चला गया”

Good night people! Sleep well.

1.2.3.4.5. I think I’ll make it. So shall you. 

1. Inner peace is not over-rated. 
You know what. I am having an existential crisis. And I am the independent girl you would like to call when you are in crisis. I have always thought meditation and looking for peace is over rated. Trust me it is not. Yes I do feel awkward sitting by myself trying to chant “Om Shanti Om, I am a peaceful soul.” Because clearly I am not. I try to calm my demons every now and then and there they are dancing around fire ignoring my attempts for serenity and laughing right back at me and when I get exhausted, I enjoy their company. Let inner peace take a backseat. 
2. Comfortably Numb.
This feeling of being comfortably numb is as addictive as coffee. One just craves to be there if you’re going either way. Happiness comes with *Conditions Apply. And when moving on towards sadness, comfortably numb is an alluring destination. We don’t realize that there’s no destination in life, it is a journey with stations to stop by. But you know I keep missing my trains often. 
3. I am a needy girl but I won’t accept this fact. 
I am a normal girl (well not exactly normal). I want a good career. I like to be independent but at the same time, I have the same dreams like any stereotypical girl, that I often judge. I do crave having a relationship. I do wish for a guy to pamper me with clichéd romantic gestures. I do wish to have a perfect relationship with my girlfriends, have nightouts, pajama parties, sleep overs and gossip sessions. Instead I hide behind this statement, “I find all of this boring, reading books is my escape” well books are indeed my escape but these things are not boring. I just call them boring because I don’t get to do all of this. I like to have attention. When people appreciate me for my work, for my strength I like it. I don’t take criticisms really well but I am learning to. I am fairly independent yet not so independent. I fight my own battles yet I like someone to be around just to listen to me. I might say I am okay even when I am not but then I will tell you everything that bothers me if you say you have time to listen to me when I ask “do you have time? Can I rant a little?” 
I know I can manage everything in life because I have been doing that. But that doesn’t negate my needs and desires which I often mock at just to make myself feel comfortable. I am a needy girl but I won’t accept this fact. 
4. I think I’ll make it anyway.
Despite 1,2,3 I still think I can make it because I do have the best people in life. I do have the best of books to depend on. I do have an amazing family and career and teachers. Romance is not everything I am told. Maybe someday I will start living without the desire for romance because trust me rest everything I have. 
5. Why are you reading this? What you shall gain by reading about a girl like me?
You’re reading this because we’re all made of the same stardust and I want you to know that we all have our shortcomings, some we accept, some we don’t. But we all make it anyway. We all are blessed in so many ways even when we all have been broken at one point. Let’s just hold on to our dear ones and twist our lives through because walking straight is not our thing after all these years. 

I have to let go.

How many times does it happen in life that we get attached. I am a person who gets attached very easily. I am attached to memories, places, books and most dangerous of all, people. Even though I read a lot and even though I am extremely well read about things in life, success, failure, loss, love, art, poetry and attachments and the art of letting go, the law of attraction and maintaining a balanced life. I am only human and I often fail at managing my emotions, I am the kind of girl who has been blessed with great career opportunities, amazing teachers, wonderful family and loving and supporting friends but I fail at relationships. I am not the kind of girl who plays the game of “hard to get”, I am an extremely straightforward and often confused person because my moral system says something else and my wishes often collide with my moral upbringing. I am an old soul in this new age. I love too much when I happen to love and that somehow ends up in hurt because the universe doesn’t like for me to be in love. When I graduated, it was so hard for me to let go of my college campus, almost every month I went back to my college just to sit under “my tree” where I finished reading so many novels over three years of graduation. I would leave my post grad classes early just to go back to my alma matter and have that cup of caramel coffee. I still haven’t let go of the place where I found myself, where I learnt to write poetry, where I had my first performance on a large scale, where I created so many memories and met so many amazing people. And now I have to let go of my alma matter. I am learning to move on. But you see, I am a slow learner and life wants me to be a little quick, it is making me part with a very dear friend and letting go has never been this tough. As we grow up, our attachments grow stronger and as we grow up, a lot of people leave. Some leave you for good and some leave you and they teach you a lesson. Some leave only to come back again and when these people come back, you forget that they can leave even now. Saying goodbye once is hard, saying goodbye twice is the hardest thing. But I have to let go now and I have no clue how will I do that but I will, someday.

 

My heart is like a child,

a very delicate child,

it does not know the art to let go,

it only knows hope.

Hope that angels exist.

Hope that love is forever.

It lives in a dream land and does not like when life wakes it up.

My heart wants some sleep, some sweet dreams.

But this child also knows it has to grow up,

it will have to parent itself.

It will have to let go.

It will have to let go.

I have to let go.