It was raining when you looked me in the eye. Your presence makes me feel the best and the worst about myself. You are beautiful in peculiar ways. You are not handsome. You are not good looking either. You are just you who makes me feel things that I can’t really comprehend. I have loved you and I continue you to love you so much. But we are not meant to be, can you see it? I have been seeing it for the longest time and there is terrible looking thing called hope in between us binding us through invisible threads of time. But I see them breaking, one atom at a time. It is scary so as to how much I want to feel your heart thump against my ear and how much I want to choke you with my hands and let go of your love.
Whenever I said that you have hurt me, all you said was that it was just a bit of love. Darling does love hurts? I have been told that only allowing you in the walls of the temple will hurt and there’ll be river of red flowing but there are oceans of saline water creating waves while the heart bleeds nothing but love.
The ones who love us really know how to hurt us.
We are closer than ever yet so far apart.
I am lost in this Galaxy, don’t try to find me. I will be the star burning so bright that the light will be the cause of the death. Darkness is my prey.
And love, my weapon.
1. Inner peace is not over-rated.
You know what. I am having an existential crisis. And I am the independent girl you would like to call when you are in crisis. I have always thought meditation and looking for peace is over rated. Trust me it is not. Yes I do feel awkward sitting by myself trying to chant “Om Shanti Om, I am a peaceful soul.” Because clearly I am not. I try to calm my demons every now and then and there they are dancing around fire ignoring my attempts for serenity and laughing right back at me and when I get exhausted, I enjoy their company. Let inner peace take a backseat.
2. Comfortably Numb.
This feeling of being comfortably numb is as addictive as coffee. One just craves to be there if you’re going either way. Happiness comes with *Conditions Apply. And when moving on towards sadness, comfortably numb is an alluring destination. We don’t realize that there’s no destination in life, it is a journey with stations to stop by. But you know I keep missing my trains often.
3. I am a needy girl but I won’t accept this fact.
I am a normal girl (well not exactly normal). I want a good career. I like to be independent but at the same time, I have the same dreams like any stereotypical girl, that I often judge. I do crave having a relationship. I do wish for a guy to pamper me with clichéd romantic gestures. I do wish to have a perfect relationship with my girlfriends, have nightouts, pajama parties, sleep overs and gossip sessions. Instead I hide behind this statement, “I find all of this boring, reading books is my escape” well books are indeed my escape but these things are not boring. I just call them boring because I don’t get to do all of this. I like to have attention. When people appreciate me for my work, for my strength I like it. I don’t take criticisms really well but I am learning to. I am fairly independent yet not so independent. I fight my own battles yet I like someone to be around just to listen to me. I might say I am okay even when I am not but then I will tell you everything that bothers me if you say you have time to listen to me when I ask “do you have time? Can I rant a little?”
I know I can manage everything in life because I have been doing that. But that doesn’t negate my needs and desires which I often mock at just to make myself feel comfortable. I am a needy girl but I won’t accept this fact.
4. I think I’ll make it anyway.
Despite 1,2,3 I still think I can make it because I do have the best people in life. I do have the best of books to depend on. I do have an amazing family and career and teachers. Romance is not everything I am told. Maybe someday I will start living without the desire for romance because trust me rest everything I have.
5. Why are you reading this? What you shall gain by reading about a girl like me?
You’re reading this because we’re all made of the same stardust and I want you to know that we all have our shortcomings, some we accept, some we don’t. But we all make it anyway. We all are blessed in so many ways even when we all have been broken at one point. Let’s just hold on to our dear ones and twist our lives through because walking straight is not our thing after all these years.
Of choices it is.
Of identity it is.
Life takes several assessments
Result doesn’t matter as long as you appear.
Treachery is lucrative
Unethical paths too.
People will hold your hands but only because they could get through.
Fascinating world it is.
Number of chums are insignificant
As long as you are significant.
You exist. You’re alone.
You don’t. Well, it doesn’t take much to be a ghostly existence.
Of pride it is.