It is not the time that is passing by, it is you and I. 

Hello readers,

I have been pretty dormant with writing lately because I felt that my writings were getting repetitive and there was a loss of craft. One should stop writing when you know you’re not writing anything new or unique. 

I don’t write fictional. I write what I feel, I write about the people I meet, I write about daily routine things that go around me and how I feel about them and package it for you to read them. And I have people in my life who validate that maybe someday I could be a writer but you know one should always be critical of themselves in order to learn and grow. 

I remember being called as the “Happiness In-charge” in my group of friends because I didn’t care about the world. I used to do my own thing and be happy always. I remember being in depression and coming out of it on my own because I never stopped believing the beauty of the universe. I remember being a child always with maturity of a headstrong woman you would be afraid to mess with. But then I grew up. 

I started feeling the need to be an adult when I turned 21. I remember thinking about life seriously. I remember letting insecurities take birth. I remember not being impulsive anymore. I remember not following my heart because it didn’t seem like a rational thing to do. I was being told that you need to grow up and be an adult but then I have realized that being an adult is tough when you let the kid inside you lock up and ask it to shut up. That’s where the kid gets sad and lonely and insecure that it affects your ability to be a successful adult. We are not born to follow a certain path that the society has expectations from us to follow. I have played my life safely throughout yet I remember taking risks wherever I could and being a happy being. 

As time went by, my insecurities increased, I went into an abyss of self doubt, uncertainty scared me and future worried me. I forgot to live in the moment. I remember taking myself out on dates and I remember not needing any company to enjoy my time. I remember being called “the solitary bird” who could not care less and yet loved so deeply that everyone who came my way, smiled. 

I happen to write this today because I took myself out on a date after ages and I met the girl who I had lost in the process of growing up. It’s not the time that’s passing by, it’s you and I.

Life becomes beautifully simple and easy to handle only if we stop seeking love outside and become love that we are. I forgot to love myself in between the time I was busy learning to grow up and behave like an adult. I can ace my research papers and career while I can enjoy Disney movies and sipping hot chocolate and be fit too because I love who I am and who I am becoming. And yes companionship is beautiful but if you don’t get it, doesn’t mean you have to be sad. I have been a part of quite a few toxic friendships and relationships but that does not mean I stop believing in the beauty and power of love. Time waits for none. Happiness seems scary but it’s pretty like the winter mornings. 

Winters bring hope and warmth in life. Let’s bask in the morning sun and smile because that is what really matters. 

Have a good day and take yourself out on a date. It’s quite fun. 😉
Till next time!

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​Can a Soul be Sad and yet not Dark?

Yes. And no. Honestly I do not know. Because souls are beings. They define our very existence. Souls are neither happy nor sad. Souls are just souls. Souls are life and a proof that we are alive to feel the emotions of sadness and happiness. Darkness is an attribute we associate with emotions of sadness, jealousy, envy while happiness, bliss and laughter are the light in our lives but two contradicts can very well coexist. How I cannot explain but you can feel them. Being sad doesn’t make you a dark human or a dark soul because a sad person either gives up on life and commits suicide or he uses his sadness to create art. Art that will be so powerful and passionate that it will make you feel uncomfortable. Dark poets are always celebrated yet criticised. Paradox? Irony? Maybe. Because some things are so intertwined that it’s impossible to pinpoint. Fascinating are those that radiate sunshine through their wounds of hurt and sadness. And divine is this thought that gives meaning to art and life. 
My dear, souls cannot be dark, souls cannot be sad. Souls can only be drunk. How? Ask the Nightingales.

1.2.3.4.5. I think I’ll make it. So shall you. 

1. Inner peace is not over-rated. 
You know what. I am having an existential crisis. And I am the independent girl you would like to call when you are in crisis. I have always thought meditation and looking for peace is over rated. Trust me it is not. Yes I do feel awkward sitting by myself trying to chant “Om Shanti Om, I am a peaceful soul.” Because clearly I am not. I try to calm my demons every now and then and there they are dancing around fire ignoring my attempts for serenity and laughing right back at me and when I get exhausted, I enjoy their company. Let inner peace take a backseat. 
2. Comfortably Numb.
This feeling of being comfortably numb is as addictive as coffee. One just craves to be there if you’re going either way. Happiness comes with *Conditions Apply. And when moving on towards sadness, comfortably numb is an alluring destination. We don’t realize that there’s no destination in life, it is a journey with stations to stop by. But you know I keep missing my trains often. 
3. I am a needy girl but I won’t accept this fact. 
I am a normal girl (well not exactly normal). I want a good career. I like to be independent but at the same time, I have the same dreams like any stereotypical girl, that I often judge. I do crave having a relationship. I do wish for a guy to pamper me with clichĂ©d romantic gestures. I do wish to have a perfect relationship with my girlfriends, have nightouts, pajama parties, sleep overs and gossip sessions. Instead I hide behind this statement, “I find all of this boring, reading books is my escape” well books are indeed my escape but these things are not boring. I just call them boring because I don’t get to do all of this. I like to have attention. When people appreciate me for my work, for my strength I like it. I don’t take criticisms really well but I am learning to. I am fairly independent yet not so independent. I fight my own battles yet I like someone to be around just to listen to me. I might say I am okay even when I am not but then I will tell you everything that bothers me if you say you have time to listen to me when I ask “do you have time? Can I rant a little?” 
I know I can manage everything in life because I have been doing that. But that doesn’t negate my needs and desires which I often mock at just to make myself feel comfortable. I am a needy girl but I won’t accept this fact. 
4. I think I’ll make it anyway.
Despite 1,2,3 I still think I can make it because I do have the best people in life. I do have the best of books to depend on. I do have an amazing family and career and teachers. Romance is not everything I am told. Maybe someday I will start living without the desire for romance because trust me rest everything I have. 
5. Why are you reading this? What you shall gain by reading about a girl like me?
You’re reading this because we’re all made of the same stardust and I want you to know that we all have our shortcomings, some we accept, some we don’t. But we all make it anyway. We all are blessed in so many ways even when we all have been broken at one point. Let’s just hold on to our dear ones and twist our lives through because walking straight is not our thing after all these years. 

Dear You

Dear you, 
There’ll be days when you won’t feel fine and everything around you will stop making sense and there’ll be things that you need to get done but your body will protest, your mind will go stressed and your heart will feel exhausted. You’d want to be alone and nothing will make you happy. On days like these, think about roses that bloom in the garden with lush red petals which is often the color of love and lust. Think about how this one rose sets everything right when you give it to your loved ones despite having thorns in it. Your index finger often bleeds when you touch the rose but the soft gentle feel of the petals and the fragrance still makes you smile. On days like these, find a soul like that of rose which makes you smile even when it hurts. And soul doesn’t mean you need to find a human. Books, music, even rooms have souls. Just hold on to that soul for some moments and let the universe speak to you in silence. In silence, we all are one and you’re not alone. Those days turn around and smile back at you bidding farewell to the feeling of not being fine.

The Faraway Soul Sisters

Once there were two girls

Girls who were classmates and liked each other.

One had a gang and was popular enough.

The other one was an insecure student with no friends and hence became the teachers’ pet.

She wanted attention. She wanted to be liked by others. She wanted to befriend the popular girl but then she realized she is a misfit and not needed around. She started reading novels for the first time back when she was 15. She never liked novels her mother got for her but read comics. Her attention span was short. She wanted to please people and feel accepted. She was messed up like any 15 year old and lonely. It took her sometime to befriend her loneliness and turn it into beautiful solitude. That popular girl remained her Faraway friend with whom she shared this really enthusiastic HI whenever they met. 

Years pass by, both graduated from school and went to Delhi University. Coincidentally both joined girls’ college (different ones of course) and incidentally remained in touch after school. They met each other once or twice an year, had quality time and wished each other a happy birthday on calls. You know that’s a big deal in today’s time. Eventually they both became mutual admirers of each other. 

They both were Faraway Soul Sisters. They did not know. 

One fine day, they just start talking regularly and for some strange reason both go on a journey of self discovery. They both indulged in deep life talks and absolute shit too but it was all too good to be true.

The point is that humans evolve. The popular girl embarked on a journey where she evolved as an art and the other one became partially mature but mostly angry young ambitchious woman. Both are insecure. Both look forward to self discovery. And they are in this journey together in the present moment but they are not sure how long their companionship will last but sometimes there are moments you feel that these two are Faraway Soul Sisters who are as messed up as those crazy crows that flow. Yes flow. It’s not a typo. The sentence doesn’t make sense to make sense of the point you see. I don’t know how to end this blog post so I will go by saying

“Mac and Cheese is the greatest invention of all times.”

Bye!

P.S. Thank you for being my Faraway Soul Sister.
To my dear Readers, I am sorry to disappoint you with such a weird ending but you see now movies are open ended so why can’t blog posts be 😉

After Dark

Waking up to a morning full of mission and goals,

I run to bath, to bus stand and hang around metro poles.

Breakfast is eaten on the go and sometimes forgotten.

Full of energies for work yet exhausted without supplies of caffeine.

This generation as a whole is messed up.

People in relationships feel tied down and restricted when they want to be selfish.

People who are single have big dreams and no one to stop them except the person they see in the mirror.

Sometimes all they need is to be loved instead of being workaholics that they are and the ones in love want some space despite the fact that they love their better halves.

We are a generation of messed up souls.

We are super productive throughout the day chasing our dreams, getting promoted, achieving milestones and working towards our goals and occasionally cracking up jokes, hanging around just because it’s cool and we need a break.

It’s after dark that our hearts become vulnerable and we open ourselves to our own deep thoughts and feel scared and broken.

And existence becomes a pain.

Loneliness is our only companion in nights of gloomy rains.

I have often found rains romantic. My heart still feels like a hopeless romantic and sometimes it is a dead stone thing. Paradox you may call it. I call it experience and disappointment and an effort to protect.

Wearing hearts on the sleeve makes life pretty beautiful but at the same time prone to accidents, stabs and murders of emotions of love.

After dark, there is darkness within and Harry Potter comes to rescue.

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.

Communication and little bit of love is the light we all seek, it is the light we all need, it is the light we all have within, it is the light we miss to find within. It is the light that exists and therefore we exist too.

Every morning brings a new day even if the pillow is wet because of tears of last night.

Hope arrives every morning in the form of sunlight.

So whenever, you feel the darkness within after it is dark, just go to sleep.

Sleep over your problems, sleep over your sadness, sleep over your tears and let sunshine smile through you.

That yellow light on the face brings a smile that will fight off all the demons that haunt.

Life is beautiful and powerful. You are sexy, just go out there and flaunt.

The Summer Of Learning

I have been a student ever since I can remember and summer vacations, have always been a part of my life. In school, it was always about visits to grandma and loads of holidays homework and an outstation trip with family. This routine continued for 15 years of schooling. In college, summers meant reading books, attending events around Delhi which catered to literature, poetry, art, theatre, and music.  There were friends who used to do internships to build their CVs while I was happy sitting in my AC room reading one book in one day and consuming huge amounts of cold coffee and well, getting fat. One summer I got so fat that I had to go to the gym next summer. Anyhow, coming to the summer of learning.

Summer 2017

It was compulsory for masters students to do an internship during the summers. When this announcement was made, I was distraught. I was so upset that I gave up all hope of having a good summer in March only while the semester was still on and then there was this Internship hunt. I am so glad that I did not have to suffer to get an internship, I got an interview scheduled through college placement cell and when the interview happened, I was so relieved because the first interview of my life went amazingly not because I was amazing, well I was good enough but my interviewers were such beautiful happy people. I knew for a fact that if I get lucky to land up with an internship here, my summers are going to be just perfect and guess what, I did get lucky.

These two months of summer have been so enriching that no words can do proper justice. Here’s a tribute to each of the person I have had the pleasure of working with. I will first start with our Director of the Company, Dr. Kamal Vatta.

Dear Kamal Sir,

No words will ever be enough to deliver the amount of gratitude I have towards you. You have been a fantastic teacher and each and every discussion with you has been full of wisdom and laughter and such a combination is rare to find. With you, I have learned to enjoy the work and work did not seem like work. Every morning when I used to wake up, I was excited to come to the office because of this constant feeling “What is new today.” Thank you so much, sir, for everything, from lunches to software classes to giving us the freedom to experiment and come up with new things. So much gratitude.

Dear Sandeep Sir,

I would like to thank you for your wonderful insights and quirky jokes that brought smiles every day. Your stories and characterization of people whom you have met are so beautiful. It is your stories and bringing ideas from the stories for the work is awe inspiring. Your constant guidance and that faith you show in our experiments are to die for. Thank you so much, Sir.

Dear Shweta,

Our interactions have been less but each of them was pretty. I think I have had more fun with you because you are the similar kind of crazy as I am but just a little less. Those golgappas and singing in the office kitchen moments are something I will cherish for a long time. And thank you for the lovely book.

Dear Ashish, Parisha, Priya, Himanshi, Surya Sir,

Conversations after 5.30, and those walks to the metro station full of jokes and laughter are things to remember that will bring a smile as I sit next year on the same WordPress blog to analyze my next summer.

Dear Garima,

Even though we did not get much time, I have had some wonderful conversations with you in the beginning which I will cherish. All the best for your new life in a new city.

And I cannot forget Dubey ji, who always took care of my caffeine needs.

Last but definitely not the least, my internship and college mates,

Shilpi, Kumkum, Vibha, Sanya

Guys, working with you has been so much fun. This bonding which we have developed is here to stay. Thank you so much.

And that’s about the Internship Diaries.

Now coming to unimportant things I am productive at,

Sunday Book Market, Dariyaganj check

Book launch attended check

Theatre event attended check

Poetry event attended check

BYD’s Mac and Cheese check

Movie screening at IHC check

Meeting my lovely friends check

Reading all day check.

 

Well, it has been a summer of learning where I attended so many events, read so many research papers, to be precise I read 67 and I also developed a habit of reading academic magazines. So all in all, it was the best summer of my life. Thanks to everyone involved.

And how can I forget mom and dad, and bhai. They put up with my nautanki while I was off social media for the summer.

Dear readers,

I hope you had a good summer too.

 

Flow of Life

wordpressIn this journey of life,

we all flow like some semi-solid liquid,

slowly moving on because we have to

but resisting change too.

In the process of growing up,

we feel like grown ups.

Life has become a bit stable

when we have so much work on our tables.

Workaholic is what I am becoming,

Sunday’s sleep is what feels like the homecoming.

Friendships are few and happy

Love life is as non-existent as the battery in the lappy.

“Ambitious ladkiyon ki zindagi mei pyaar k lie jagah kahan”

Profound are such discussions with dear girlfriends,

This poem will now end.

“Jeena yahan, marna yahan

Iske siwa, jaana kahan.”

Maunder

nov__project___maunder_by_red_bird.jpg

Image Source: DeviantArt

Poets, musicians, and Harry Potter talk about love and friendships and life being all about it. We make so many promises to others and to us. I don’t feel like writing poems anymore yet I want to write. I feel that we all are same individuals going through same things and making the same promises and breaking the same promises. Poets come down to the same theme, writers, in the end, come down to explaining the same things in the end and life quotes on Pinterest all tell the same thing. Yet they all are different and unique in their ideas, and way of expression. Self-help books and videos of TED talks does not really tell anything new. They all tell the things we already know but don’t register and forget. Everyone says that it is okay to not have a plan and everyone wants to have a plan in life so that they succeed and get what they seek and yet unplanned things turn out to be the best things that happen to us in life. Of Promises that we make to ourselves and to others and I wonder how many we are able to fulfill because promises change with time and they evolve like we do. It is said that one cannot change the belief system of an individual easily but did you know that our minds are so malleable only that we do not allow and use the malleability feature. I am very stubborn myself. Poetry they say is an art and I agree it is but when I read poems, they all seem simple and something that anyone could write but the fact remains that there will be only one Rumi, one Gulzar, one Shakespeare, one Mir, one Basho and only one Mirza Ghalib. And it is extremely difficult for me to identify my style. Every writer has a style of writing and they know and everybody around them knows but I am unable to find a particular style of my writings, I have written prose, I have written slam poems, I have written some shaayeri in hindi and urdu too and I have written some tiny tales too. No, I have not written on wars, neither on poverty, nothing about going outside in the world. My poems feature ideas meant for children books, what happens inside my head and love, you see the ones who have not experienced teenage romance, relationships or anything remotely romantic for real write the most about love and now I am tired of that theme as well because it is all beautiful and a garden of roses in fantasy world while in real world, we all are alone in our journeys. I have realized over the years that my family is my true love because when it comes to expressing my love for them in words, I cannot. Words fail me then. I do write things on their birthdays, they always feel incomplete and insufficient to describe the emotions I have. And I often come across as a very selfish human being to many and I won’t deny that. I am selfish like we all are, the only difference is I chose to admit that I am. There’s no such thing as unconditional love in friendships, it is all about mutual love and understanding and acceptance. If you are not prioritizing me, and if I love you, I will put with you for a while and then I will leave when I get fed up and I might act mean too unapologetically. I overperform myself when I am really hurt and I can be the laziest girl on my best days. Not many people understand or put up with me and neither do I. If I do not like you I will make sure that you know that I don’t like you and if I do, I will kill you with my over affection. I cannot do things in moderation as we are taught. I work too much when I do or I don’t work at all. I do not know how to be in balance. My ideas of life are too extreme and too much childlike. I am overambitious and laidback. I am hardworking and lazy. Yes, I am the best sort of weirdly wired paradox.

Why did I start writing this and what was the whole damn point of digressing so much? I don’t know why I started writing. Maybe because my mind was too full of thoughts and I just wanted to clear it all out in order to start working on my research report whose submission is due next week and I have to write about 10000 words full of academic ideas on one single topic.

Dear readers,

I don’t know whether you like my blog or not, but then if you are reading it till here, you must have liked it. I just want to thank you for sparing time to read rantings of a girl with a confused mind who thinks she sees things clearly. I hope you have a good day. I should go back to the routine of working and academic writing which will not provide me satisfaction like this but it will definitely help me get a degree. See you until another impulse comes to write a poem or something like this.