Our love is wrong timing.

Neha: Darling,

You’re the sunlight in the North Pole 

That doesn’t exist half of the time.

You’re the wind that blows on the cold chilly nights.

Darling, you were never mine.
My heart belongs to warmth and bright days,

You are too dark for me.

I shouldn’t be the one you should chase.
Love for me is transient and permanent at the same time.

You are too lost to know that,

Let’s not waste time

Karan: And all this while,

I thought our love was like wine. 

Tasting better with each passing year,

With each year worth a lifetime.

Neha: You say it’s wine,

It just kept on getting sour with time.

Warmth, love, and care were just layers beneath the frost of our hearts.

The sun is never enough in poles.

Karan: I chose to live with it, 

While you chose to leave. 

You continue to live,

While I die daily!

Neha: It’s all a matter of time,

You’ll learn to live after you’ve died.

I died a long time ago.

This time, I don’t even exist.

It’s my soul fighting for life and for sunshine.

Our love is nothing but wrong timing.

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The very idea of Romance

Romance: if we look at the origin of this word, it means ‘beautiful’ and this was first used to address the beauty of the evening sky. That’s how the concept of romantic weather came into being. And over the years, romance started to get associated with love. Essentially romance is love that is not long lasting as per definition. It is transitory.

(For verification of the above, read about it in evolution of language articles on Google.)

Now, the very idea of Romance is exciting on most days if you’re not a cynical person or allergic to anything cheesy like some of my friends. I find myself constantly in a battle when it comes to the idea of Romance. On most days I am a hopeless romantic falling in love with life, nature, experiences, people and food. Romance is an extremely important aspect of my life because of my parents who are so much in love that even after decades of being together, they make me believe that fairy tales exist for real and love is one thing that can make you move mountains. I call my life a poetry. A poetry full of joy, love, sorrows and occasional moments of depression as well. 

The very idea of Romance is enough to make me happy. Going for a walk is romance, being curled up with a mug of hot chocolate is romance, having a beautiful conversation with someone is romance, pulling off an all nighter just to read favorite erotica is romance, travelling around the city aimlessly and having fun is romance, and I can go on forever. You don’t need a guy or a girl to experience romance to be honest. But having company helps. Sometimes I romance my mother by taking her out on a date and all we do is walk and talk about silly things which we don’t get to discuss while at home. Every morning my mother is working in the kitchen and the moment I wake up, first thing I do is to go and hug her from the back. This has been my routine for I don’t know how many years. 

My last couple of days have been really romantic. I have done almost everything I listed above, going for a walk, having food, talking to a friend and laughing and then reading my favorite book in the light of the Darkness. But love hurts at some point or the other. One is very naive when one is in love and I am an extremely stupid human when I love too much. Sometimes I think that love needs to be a bit more rational but then what about this heart which doesn’t understand the concept of rationality. Everyday life is a constant conflict between the idea of Romance and being this sensible human being. Because no matter who we are or what we do, love does not make sense and it is not supposed to make sense. Love is totally nonsensical but we have to keep doing it like Ted Mosby. 

If we don’t let our hearts bleed, have we really lived? 

प्रेमिका

प्रेमिका: इम्तेहान-ए-ज़िन्दगी की राह में,

आज उड़ने को जी चाहता है,

मेरे पांव टिक नहीं रहे ज़मीन पर,

ज़रा हाथ थाम लो।

कवि
: तुम हाथ थामने की बात करती हो,

मैं तो वो पंख ला दूंगा मोहब्बत का, 

के आकाश नीचे आ तुम्हारे पांव के इशारों पर झूमे।

प्रेमिका
: ये जो तुम कवि बन, 

सपनों की दुनिया में ले चलते हो,

इश्क़ में खौफ पैदा हो जाता है,

सिर्फ हाथ थामने को कहा था,

प्राकटिकल इश्क़ नहीं होता तुमसे?

कवि
: हाहाहा! तुम भी अजीब हो,

शायद इसीलिए साथ हो,

नज़रें झुका दूर न जाओ,

करीब आओ, इज़हार-ए-इश्क़ जो तुमसे करना है।

प्रेमिका: आज, तुम फूलों को देखो और मेरे झुमके से गुफ्तगू करो,

नज़र नहीं मिलाऊंगी आज,

इकरार-ए-इश्क़ जो तुमसे करना है।

कवि: प्रिय, तुम पूनम के चांद की रोशनी बन इकरार कर दूर जा रही हो,

नज़र न मिला फिर वही अमावस्या की रात बन मेरी कल्पना होती जा रही हो..

सूर्योदय हो गया है।

Images courtesy: Royale Frames

Website: http://www.royaleframes.com

Special Mention: Thanks to a friend, Anant Singh, for lending pictures to this poem. His photographs actually inspired the opening line of this poem. Mostly I write first and then look for suitable pictures to go along with it on the internet. This time I wrote because the photographs inspired me to write something. 

About being a narcissist

Narcissism is such a negative word because narcissism in its core form is indeed negative. However, self love is the right term to use about the things that I am going to talk about today. 

You see, we live in a world full of complexities, cut throat competitions and judgements. ‘Judgements’ my friend. And there’s an evil brother of judgements called ‘Expectations’. So you see where I am going. Now, in a world like this where you disappoint a lot of people around you and if you hate stupidity and fakeness and dumb people, about 80% of the population around you disappoints you. And since we the so called millennials who are ruining a lot of industry business because news says so, the business we are helping is the libraries. Millennials read a lot and a recent report showed that our generation goes to library more often than the older ones. So we are learned good for nothing as per the society standards. With social media becoming an integral part of daily lives, it is important to look good all the time but you know what I don’t and I acknowledge the glorious mess that I am because if I could be perfect on social media all the time I know that I am being fake and the people out there know who is being fake and pretentious and who is being real. It is important to acknowledge the mess that we are and that we go through. We don’t have to prove anything to anyone. We just have to keep being ourselves. And man, that’s hard because you remember the siblings I talked about? Judgements and Expectations.

So here is the thing, I love myself a lot and I own up to my decisions and mistakes. And I do care about myself first and then others because if I am not happy myself, how can I be the reason for your happiness. I can only give what I have. And in order to be there for you, I need to be there for myself. And people often find me selfish and you know what, I am okay with it. Because I can only be selfless by being selfish. And my suggestion to you is don’t give a fuck. You have limited fucks to give in life, choose your fucks wisely, said Mark Manson. 
And to all the people who going to judge me on the basis of this post, well darling, I don’t care about your judgement unless you have constructive criticism to offer. I choose my criticisms wisely. It’s high time, you should too. 

And always believe in the power of love. If you have to be Savage, be Savage with love. Because there is nothing that love cannot achieve. 
Have a good day.

Coffee Romance

My relationship with coffee is eternal. 

On my good days, it’s mere existence is sufficient while on bad days, I crave to die in the sea of coffee being embraced by its warmth. Sometimes I wish it could hug.

I have been wanting to have a cup of coffee at Perch, in Khan Market for approximately two years now and I was waiting to go there on a very special day with a special person. That was the place I had in my mind where I wanted to have my first romantic date with the best coffee in town. Little did I know that I would end up romancing the coffee because as that cream touch my lips, it’s perfect like first kiss with a lover. My friends often tell me that I romance the idea of first kiss way too much and practically, it’s unexpected and messy and not as beautiful as you write it in your fantasies but then who would know? Fantasies do come true when you just start living the fantasy. 
It was a romantic date. With coffee. 

And a special person with whom I shared some moments of laughter. I don’t think I can romance real people while having kissing scenes with coffee. 

Here’s to a beautiful coffee. And a beautiful human bearing with a crazy girl with Disney fantasies in life.

Dear beautiful human, 

My love for you is weirdly insane, in those winks and in those tickles and in those high fives where creativity meets with professionalism and in those sleepy eyes to high giggles, in those flat note songs and lame jokes. Let’s walk together, laughing at the craziness life is and just swing around the yellow line at the platform. Thank you for borrowing time because time is always borrowed and premium is paid in memories that stay. 

Stay. 

It is not the time that is passing by, it is you and I. 

Hello readers,

I have been pretty dormant with writing lately because I felt that my writings were getting repetitive and there was a loss of craft. One should stop writing when you know you’re not writing anything new or unique. 

I don’t write fictional. I write what I feel, I write about the people I meet, I write about daily routine things that go around me and how I feel about them and package it for you to read them. And I have people in my life who validate that maybe someday I could be a writer but you know one should always be critical of themselves in order to learn and grow. 

I remember being called as the “Happiness In-charge” in my group of friends because I didn’t care about the world. I used to do my own thing and be happy always. I remember being in depression and coming out of it on my own because I never stopped believing the beauty of the universe. I remember being a child always with maturity of a headstrong woman you would be afraid to mess with. But then I grew up. 

I started feeling the need to be an adult when I turned 21. I remember thinking about life seriously. I remember letting insecurities take birth. I remember not being impulsive anymore. I remember not following my heart because it didn’t seem like a rational thing to do. I was being told that you need to grow up and be an adult but then I have realized that being an adult is tough when you let the kid inside you lock up and ask it to shut up. That’s where the kid gets sad and lonely and insecure that it affects your ability to be a successful adult. We are not born to follow a certain path that the society has expectations from us to follow. I have played my life safely throughout yet I remember taking risks wherever I could and being a happy being. 

As time went by, my insecurities increased, I went into an abyss of self doubt, uncertainty scared me and future worried me. I forgot to live in the moment. I remember taking myself out on dates and I remember not needing any company to enjoy my time. I remember being called “the solitary bird” who could not care less and yet loved so deeply that everyone who came my way, smiled. 

I happen to write this today because I took myself out on a date after ages and I met the girl who I had lost in the process of growing up. It’s not the time that’s passing by, it’s you and I.

Life becomes beautifully simple and easy to handle only if we stop seeking love outside and become love that we are. I forgot to love myself in between the time I was busy learning to grow up and behave like an adult. I can ace my research papers and career while I can enjoy Disney movies and sipping hot chocolate and be fit too because I love who I am and who I am becoming. And yes companionship is beautiful but if you don’t get it, doesn’t mean you have to be sad. I have been a part of quite a few toxic friendships and relationships but that does not mean I stop believing in the beauty and power of love. Time waits for none. Happiness seems scary but it’s pretty like the winter mornings. 

Winters bring hope and warmth in life. Let’s bask in the morning sun and smile because that is what really matters. 

Have a good day and take yourself out on a date. It’s quite fun. 😉
Till next time!

40 hours of love

I was up till 3AM last night with a hurricane in my head. Past 40 hours have been beautiful and I am grateful for them. The date that we had and the conversation afterwards which didn’t seem to end. But as I sat down with a pen in my hand and yellow colored parched papers of my diary, my throat went dry. Everything that we shared made me go into a trance of realization of how I first fell in love four years ago and how it all started and I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or not, but the similarities are hard to ignore and that realization has opened up wounds I thought were healing. Sometimes it’s better to read beautiful pages from glossy paper hard bound pretty cover books than to make that book your own and create a chapter out of it. 
I think I loved you when you distracted me while I was trying to gather my thoughts about GST. I think I loved you when you told me about your first experience with alcohol. I think I loved you when you shared the story of shedding tears in the lap of nature. I think I loved you everytime we crossed the roads. Roads for me are like I own them and I walk like I am the queen but then you made me feel like a child on the road having fun. I think I loved you every minute. 

But a part of me gets scared of happiness. I read about love, I write about love, I feel love all the time. And I am not used to being loved. And I am not used to the happiness associated with moments of love. As much as I enjoy them I get scared of the hurt that comes along. Nothing in this life is not balanced. If love gives you a high feeling it also gives you an equally low feeling and that low place sucks so much that high feeling feels scary. 

I will look for reasons to get out of it, I will look for reasons to abandon everything good in fear of uncertain risky future. I will look for reasons to find wrong in what felt right. And I will regret my choices and decisions but then I will make peace with it. Time. It’s never the time that passes by. It is you and I and I let it because falling trap to some insecurities are better than some uncertainties. 

And as Sarah Kay and Phil Kay said

“Love arrives exactly when it is supposed to and it leaves exactly when it is supposed to.”
“Thank you for stopping by.”
From 40 hours of love to 40 rules of love in attempts to avoid heartache.

“Where there is love, there is bound to be heartache.”

हवा-ए-इश्क

सुनो?

आज हवा ज़रा ठंडी है, करीब आजाओ,

तुम्हारा हाथ थामना है।

तुम्हारे हाथों की गर्माहट में मानो, ज़िन्दगी का सुकून है।
And when you look at me with those eyes,

There’s a fire that lights up inside the cells of my body and want to embrace you in a sudden fashion so that when my head rests on your chest, I listen to the song of your heart singing love songs.
तुम मेरे अंदर वो एहसास जगाते हो, जिसे मैं खो चुकी थी,

तुम्हारा होना ज़िन्दगी को गुलज़ार कर देता है।
हो सके तो मेरे प्यार के गुलाब में मोहब्बत की खामोशी बन जाना।
I’ll love you in silence. You just keep the windows open when winds come to say hi. 
फिर जब किसी दिन कोई हवा का रुख तुमसे मिल जाए, समझ लेना के मैंने प्यार भेजा था।

-Neha

Dear You

Dear you, 
There’ll be days when you won’t feel fine and everything around you will stop making sense and there’ll be things that you need to get done but your body will protest, your mind will go stressed and your heart will feel exhausted. You’d want to be alone and nothing will make you happy. On days like these, think about roses that bloom in the garden with lush red petals which is often the color of love and lust. Think about how this one rose sets everything right when you give it to your loved ones despite having thorns in it. Your index finger often bleeds when you touch the rose but the soft gentle feel of the petals and the fragrance still makes you smile. On days like these, find a soul like that of rose which makes you smile even when it hurts. And soul doesn’t mean you need to find a human. Books, music, even rooms have souls. Just hold on to that soul for some moments and let the universe speak to you in silence. In silence, we all are one and you’re not alone. Those days turn around and smile back at you bidding farewell to the feeling of not being fine.