Serendipitous Musings

Posts tagged ‘love’

40 hours of love

I was up till 3AM last night with a hurricane in my head. Past 40 hours have been beautiful and I am grateful for them. The date that we had and the conversation afterwards which didn’t seem to end. But as I sat down with a pen in my hand and yellow colored parched papers of my diary, my throat went dry. Everything that we shared made me go into a trance of realization of how I first fell in love four years ago and how it all started and I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or not, but the similarities are hard to ignore and that realization has opened up wounds I thought were healing. Sometimes it’s better to read beautiful pages from glossy paper hard bound pretty cover books than to make that book your own and create a chapter out of it. 
I think I loved you when you distracted me while I was trying to gather my thoughts about GST. I think I loved you when you told me about your first experience with alcohol. I think I loved you when you shared the story of shedding tears in the lap of nature. I think I loved you everytime we crossed the roads. Roads for me are like I own them and I walk like I am the queen but then you made me feel like a child on the road having fun. I think I loved you every minute. 

But a part of me gets scared of happiness. I read about love, I write about love, I feel love all the time. And I am not used to being loved. And I am not used to the happiness associated with moments of love. As much as I enjoy them I get scared of the hurt that comes along. Nothing in this life is not balanced. If love gives you a high feeling it also gives you an equally low feeling and that low place sucks so much that high feeling feels scary. 

I will look for reasons to get out of it, I will look for reasons to abandon everything good in fear of uncertain risky future. I will look for reasons to find wrong in what felt right. And I will regret my choices and decisions but then I will make peace with it. Time. It’s never the time that passes by. It is you and I and I let it because falling trap to some insecurities are better than some uncertainties. 

And as Sarah Kay and Phil Kay said

“Love arrives exactly when it is supposed to and it leaves exactly when it is supposed to.”
“Thank you for stopping by.”
From 40 hours of love to 40 rules of love in attempts to avoid heartache.

“Where there is love, there is bound to be heartache.”

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हवा-ए-इश्क

सुनो?

आज हवा ज़रा ठंडी है, करीब आजाओ,

तुम्हारा हाथ थामना है।

तुम्हारे हाथों की गर्माहट में मानो, ज़िन्दगी का सुकून है।
And when you look at me with those eyes,

There’s a fire that lights up inside the cells of my body and want to embrace you in a sudden fashion so that when my head rests on your chest, I listen to the song of your heart singing love songs.
तुम मेरे अंदर वो एहसास जगाते हो, जिसे मैं खो चुकी थी,

तुम्हारा होना ज़िन्दगी को गुलज़ार कर देता है।
हो सके तो मेरे प्यार के गुलाब में मोहब्बत की खामोशी बन जाना।
I’ll love you in silence. You just keep the windows open when winds come to say hi. 
फिर जब किसी दिन कोई हवा का रुख तुमसे मिल जाए, समझ लेना के मैंने प्यार भेजा था।

-Neha

Dear You

Dear you, 
There’ll be days when you won’t feel fine and everything around you will stop making sense and there’ll be things that you need to get done but your body will protest, your mind will go stressed and your heart will feel exhausted. You’d want to be alone and nothing will make you happy. On days like these, think about roses that bloom in the garden with lush red petals which is often the color of love and lust. Think about how this one rose sets everything right when you give it to your loved ones despite having thorns in it. Your index finger often bleeds when you touch the rose but the soft gentle feel of the petals and the fragrance still makes you smile. On days like these, find a soul like that of rose which makes you smile even when it hurts. And soul doesn’t mean you need to find a human. Books, music, even rooms have souls. Just hold on to that soul for some moments and let the universe speak to you in silence. In silence, we all are one and you’re not alone. Those days turn around and smile back at you bidding farewell to the feeling of not being fine.

The Faraway Soul Sisters

Once there were two girls

Girls who were classmates and liked each other.

One had a gang and was popular enough.

The other one was an insecure student with no friends and hence became the teachers’ pet.

She wanted attention. She wanted to be liked by others. She wanted to befriend the popular girl but then she realized she is a misfit and not needed around. She started reading novels for the first time back when she was 15. She never liked novels her mother got for her but read comics. Her attention span was short. She wanted to please people and feel accepted. She was messed up like any 15 year old and lonely. It took her sometime to befriend her loneliness and turn it into beautiful solitude. That popular girl remained her Faraway friend with whom she shared this really enthusiastic HI whenever they met. 

Years pass by, both graduated from school and went to Delhi University. Coincidentally both joined girls’ college (different ones of course) and incidentally remained in touch after school. They met each other once or twice an year, had quality time and wished each other a happy birthday on calls. You know that’s a big deal in today’s time. Eventually they both became mutual admirers of each other. 

They both were Faraway Soul Sisters. They did not know. 

One fine day, they just start talking regularly and for some strange reason both go on a journey of self discovery. They both indulged in deep life talks and absolute shit too but it was all too good to be true.

The point is that humans evolve. The popular girl embarked on a journey where she evolved as an art and the other one became partially mature but mostly angry young ambitchious woman. Both are insecure. Both look forward to self discovery. And they are in this journey together in the present moment but they are not sure how long their companionship will last but sometimes there are moments you feel that these two are Faraway Soul Sisters who are as messed up as those crazy crows that flow. Yes flow. It’s not a typo. The sentence doesn’t make sense to make sense of the point you see. I don’t know how to end this blog post so I will go by saying

“Mac and Cheese is the greatest invention of all times.”

Bye!

P.S. Thank you for being my Faraway Soul Sister.
To my dear Readers, I am sorry to disappoint you with such a weird ending but you see now movies are open ended so why can’t blog posts be 😉

After Dark

Waking up to a morning full of mission and goals,

I run to bath, to bus stand and hang around metro poles.

Breakfast is eaten on the go and sometimes forgotten.

Full of energies for work yet exhausted without supplies of caffeine.

This generation as a whole is messed up.

People in relationships feel tied down and restricted when they want to be selfish.

People who are single have big dreams and no one to stop them except the person they see in the mirror.

Sometimes all they need is to be loved instead of being workaholics that they are and the ones in love want some space despite the fact that they love their better halves.

We are a generation of messed up souls.

We are super productive throughout the day chasing our dreams, getting promoted, achieving milestones and working towards our goals and occasionally cracking up jokes, hanging around just because it’s cool and we need a break.

It’s after dark that our hearts become vulnerable and we open ourselves to our own deep thoughts and feel scared and broken.

And existence becomes a pain.

Loneliness is our only companion in nights of gloomy rains.

I have often found rains romantic. My heart still feels like a hopeless romantic and sometimes it is a dead stone thing. Paradox you may call it. I call it experience and disappointment and an effort to protect.

Wearing hearts on the sleeve makes life pretty beautiful but at the same time prone to accidents, stabs and murders of emotions of love.

After dark, there is darkness within and Harry Potter comes to rescue.

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.

Communication and little bit of love is the light we all seek, it is the light we all need, it is the light we all have within, it is the light we miss to find within. It is the light that exists and therefore we exist too.

Every morning brings a new day even if the pillow is wet because of tears of last night.

Hope arrives every morning in the form of sunlight.

So whenever, you feel the darkness within after it is dark, just go to sleep.

Sleep over your problems, sleep over your sadness, sleep over your tears and let sunshine smile through you.

That yellow light on the face brings a smile that will fight off all the demons that haunt.

Life is beautiful and powerful. You are sexy, just go out there and flaunt.

Maunder

nov__project___maunder_by_red_bird.jpg

Image Source: DeviantArt

Poets, musicians, and Harry Potter talk about love and friendships and life being all about it. We make so many promises to others and to us. I don’t feel like writing poems anymore yet I want to write. I feel that we all are same individuals going through same things and making the same promises and breaking the same promises. Poets come down to the same theme, writers, in the end, come down to explaining the same things in the end and life quotes on Pinterest all tell the same thing. Yet they all are different and unique in their ideas, and way of expression. Self-help books and videos of TED talks does not really tell anything new. They all tell the things we already know but don’t register and forget. Everyone says that it is okay to not have a plan and everyone wants to have a plan in life so that they succeed and get what they seek and yet unplanned things turn out to be the best things that happen to us in life. Of Promises that we make to ourselves and to others and I wonder how many we are able to fulfill because promises change with time and they evolve like we do. It is said that one cannot change the belief system of an individual easily but did you know that our minds are so malleable only that we do not allow and use the malleability feature. I am very stubborn myself. Poetry they say is an art and I agree it is but when I read poems, they all seem simple and something that anyone could write but the fact remains that there will be only one Rumi, one Gulzar, one Shakespeare, one Mir, one Basho and only one Mirza Ghalib. And it is extremely difficult for me to identify my style. Every writer has a style of writing and they know and everybody around them knows but I am unable to find a particular style of my writings, I have written prose, I have written slam poems, I have written some shaayeri in hindi and urdu too and I have written some tiny tales too. No, I have not written on wars, neither on poverty, nothing about going outside in the world. My poems feature ideas meant for children books, what happens inside my head and love, you see the ones who have not experienced teenage romance, relationships or anything remotely romantic for real write the most about love and now I am tired of that theme as well because it is all beautiful and a garden of roses in fantasy world while in real world, we all are alone in our journeys. I have realized over the years that my family is my true love because when it comes to expressing my love for them in words, I cannot. Words fail me then. I do write things on their birthdays, they always feel incomplete and insufficient to describe the emotions I have. And I often come across as a very selfish human being to many and I won’t deny that. I am selfish like we all are, the only difference is I chose to admit that I am. There’s no such thing as unconditional love in friendships, it is all about mutual love and understanding and acceptance. If you are not prioritizing me, and if I love you, I will put with you for a while and then I will leave when I get fed up and I might act mean too unapologetically. I overperform myself when I am really hurt and I can be the laziest girl on my best days. Not many people understand or put up with me and neither do I. If I do not like you I will make sure that you know that I don’t like you and if I do, I will kill you with my over affection. I cannot do things in moderation as we are taught. I work too much when I do or I don’t work at all. I do not know how to be in balance. My ideas of life are too extreme and too much childlike. I am overambitious and laidback. I am hardworking and lazy. Yes, I am the best sort of weirdly wired paradox.

Why did I start writing this and what was the whole damn point of digressing so much? I don’t know why I started writing. Maybe because my mind was too full of thoughts and I just wanted to clear it all out in order to start working on my research report whose submission is due next week and I have to write about 10000 words full of academic ideas on one single topic.

Dear readers,

I don’t know whether you like my blog or not, but then if you are reading it till here, you must have liked it. I just want to thank you for sparing time to read rantings of a girl with a confused mind who thinks she sees things clearly. I hope you have a good day. I should go back to the routine of working and academic writing which will not provide me satisfaction like this but it will definitely help me get a degree. See you until another impulse comes to write a poem or something like this.

I have to let go.

How many times does it happen in life that we get attached. I am a person who gets attached very easily. I am attached to memories, places, books and most dangerous of all, people. Even though I read a lot and even though I am extremely well read about things in life, success, failure, loss, love, art, poetry and attachments and the art of letting go, the law of attraction and maintaining a balanced life. I am only human and I often fail at managing my emotions, I am the kind of girl who has been blessed with great career opportunities, amazing teachers, wonderful family and loving and supporting friends but I fail at relationships. I am not the kind of girl who plays the game of “hard to get”, I am an extremely straightforward and often confused person because my moral system says something else and my wishes often collide with my moral upbringing. I am an old soul in this new age. I love too much when I happen to love and that somehow ends up in hurt because the universe doesn’t like for me to be in love. When I graduated, it was so hard for me to let go of my college campus, almost every month I went back to my college just to sit under “my tree” where I finished reading so many novels over three years of graduation. I would leave my post grad classes early just to go back to my alma matter and have that cup of caramel coffee. I still haven’t let go of the place where I found myself, where I learnt to write poetry, where I had my first performance on a large scale, where I created so many memories and met so many amazing people. And now I have to let go of my alma matter. I am learning to move on. But you see, I am a slow learner and life wants me to be a little quick, it is making me part with a very dear friend and letting go has never been this tough. As we grow up, our attachments grow stronger and as we grow up, a lot of people leave. Some leave you for good and some leave you and they teach you a lesson. Some leave only to come back again and when these people come back, you forget that they can leave even now. Saying goodbye once is hard, saying goodbye twice is the hardest thing. But I have to let go now and I have no clue how will I do that but I will, someday.

 

My heart is like a child,

a very delicate child,

it does not know the art to let go,

it only knows hope.

Hope that angels exist.

Hope that love is forever.

It lives in a dream land and does not like when life wakes it up.

My heart wants some sleep, some sweet dreams.

But this child also knows it has to grow up,

it will have to parent itself.

It will have to let go.

It will have to let go.

I have to let go.