Analysis · life · scribbles · story

There are things left to say

Hello Dear Readers,

I hope you all are doing really well in your respective lives and even if you are not, better days are on their way, so have patience. It’s easier said than done but trust me, just try.

Anyway, I had put up a shutdown post sometime back. On 6th July 2018, I said that I will be shutting down this blog which I have built over a period of five long years because I wanted to take up blogging to another different level. I wanted to be professional in my writing. I wanted to write about economic issues and other important things that go around the world and help the student community majorly through that blog. While the work for that is under process, I still have things left to say. I am not a professional economics student 24*7. I am human and this blog represents the human side of me. I have experimented with all kinds of writings, emotions, ideas here, so I am back to my familiar writing space in a community where I do have a bunch of regular readers across the world, with whom I may not have personal contact but interactions on WordPress,  about ideas, poetry, writing and the feeling that no matter what, we are all the same people deep down is comforting.

Anyway, I have started to digress from the topic like I always do. I spend so much time setting up the context of the blog post that I get tired when I start to write the real thing. So without wasting any more time, I am here to talk about all the random stuff that comes to my mind while writing this. So no context. Feel free to leave reading at this point, or maybe get on with it and just go “Hmmmm, What did she actually say?” at the end. Your call. Choose Wisely. Here I start.

 

Sexual harassment and Mental Health are the two hot topics which we get to read about constantly on our social media accounts. Women are coming out with their stories which happened years ago, people are trying to talk about their mental health issues. There is so much good happening around us. We are in one of those times where we are actually using our freedom of expression and there are both sides to it. There are people in support and there are people who are mocking and demeaning us in ways which makes us fear the idea of talking about things that bother us. I refrain from talking about issues on social media because I personally do not have the energy to get involved in pointless debates on the internet that take away time, energy and mental peace. However, whenever there is a positive talk, I do indulge because even in the virtual world of technology, few positive words work wonders. Someone might have had a shitty morning and if you just tell them I hope you have a good day, much love to you, it might make them smile only for like 5 seconds but if they reflect and feel a bit lonely, this could be their cue to feeling a little okay at least if not better. In times like these, it is extremely important we choose the right things to read and write on the social media. Because there are bright sides and a dark hole which will consume you. And I am a person who is often confused so I have done both. I have been on the bright sides and I have been consumed by the dark hole.

And honestly, most of my writings and blog posts are for myself first and then for my readers. I am selfish that way. I like to write about things that hurt, I love to write about things that make me uncomfortable, that make me cry, that is cringeworthy at times as well because in my personal experience, this is the way I talk to myself, where I can be a friend to myself and enjoy my own company. And why I choose to put up such things on my blog is simply because I know I am not alone, there are a few bunch of people out there who think like me, who act like me, who are like me in so many ways and might just find comfort in their lives through these confused looking write-ups.

“It is always easier to be strong for your loved ones than for yourself.”

I read this line sometime back, somewhere. I don’t know the exact source, however, all I know is that this line has stayed with me for the longest time. I have had a tendency to attract all sorts of weird crazy broken people towards me and I used to think that it is my job to fix them all and I did that for years, since school time, since the time I remember having people around me. I was a people pleaser, I have always wanted people around me to be happy, even at the cost of my own happiness. Well, the world was not what I saw it to be with my rose-tinted glasses. People use and abuse good people like things and I have had my share of that. So now I am like chuck everyone, I rather started to enjoy the idea of offending people by not being always nice to them, mostly I became mean to my own relatives and aunts and uncles and anyone who did not give a good vibe. I became too judgemental and what I did was wrong, so don’t do that. Be nice to people, always. It is easy. And if you do not feel like being nice, back off, don’t offend someone, it hurts later. I have had my share of regrets there.
So I was reading a post I wrote in 2013, it said don’t let the negativity around you change the way you look at the world, be good and the good things and people will come to you. But I did not stick to what I believed in and used my negative experiences to build so many walls around me. I did let the negativity get to me and then a series of poetry and posts which I wrote had this one constant thought- I do not like the person I am becoming and suddenly I  was lost forever. I knew my way, I knew my road and I hid behind the words- Maybe, I don’t know. I was just too scared to open myself up again until sometime back. From being someone who was comfortable alone and enjoyed her own company a lot, I started to get dependent on the outside of the things to get happy, I started wanting to have company, being alone did not feel as peaceful as it used to because of so many self-created issues and disorder of overthinking and less writing. I stopped being my own lucky charm because I stopped being strong for myself. I was strong for others but not myself the way I used to be. And that is when I started to love myself a little less and get critical and at the same time wanted so much out of me as a human that all of it got too much. I had high ambitions and failures simultaneously and everything then turned out to be about me. I started caring a little less about others, even my loved ones, even the family I am a part of, I distanced myself from everyone, most importantly, from myself.

Perhaps, the only person we need to be strong for is ourselves. Loving oneself is the only important thing because if I love myself enough, I’ll love you enough and a virtuous circle will start instead of a vicious circle of being critical towards oneself and the world. This is what I have been realizing and learning every day for past couple of weeks

Why on earth I am putting all of this in a blog post? All the things mentioned here are personal experiences and ideas and thoughts and the journey? Why is it up here on the WordPress blog? Because I have a dear friend who once told me, you are not alone. There are crazy people out there like you who have similar issues, who have similar problems, who have similar thought patterns and that is why you find Instagram posts that relate to you, that is why you find poems that feel as if they are describing you, that is why you find books whose main character looks just like you because deep down we are all humans and I hope this post finds you. I hope it makes you feel less alone, I hope it makes you write, talk to the ones you love, create art, go to comfortable familiar places which remind you of who you are and I wish you find friends who throw away your personal dictionary of weirdly stupid ideas and help you correct the fundamental thought of life and most importantly make you feel loved and worthy enough because you are worthy without doing any productive thing on a lazy day and you deserve the happiness and love you are getting. Don’t be like me questioning happiness. Be you. Meanwhile, I’ll try to be a better me.

oh, did I tell you that when you sing at the top of your voice, that is the ultimate happiness? So my dear reader, what are you waiting for?

And yes, this blog is back to being alive. I’ll keep updating both. This one and the professional blog under construction, show some love there too when it is launched. Thank you all so much in advance.

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life · Travel Diary

When I was a Traveller in my own city

Delhi, my city. 

Dilli, ishq hai.

I have always wanted to explore Delhi for the longest time but when you’re in your own city, you don’t explore the beauty of it because there’s always assignment to be submitted, work to be done, and sleep to catch upon. After years of trying to get someone to accompany me to be a Traveller in my own city, I was blessed to come across a beautiful human being who was willing to give in to the wishes of a girl like me and it was a date. When we use the word date, we often expect romance, however there was something beyond romance in this date and that cannot be put into words. How do you put across sharing stories close to you in appropriate words, what are we if not stories?

Delhi has a soul which many people don’t explore. Visiting a monument and reading about it’s history in the lush green Mughal Gardens and then having a silent reading meet in the sun is a perfect way to spend time with someone in my world.

Delhi is too good to be true in winters. 

There’re a lot of things I realized today. After spending time as a traveller I met a friend of mine who flew from London to spend sometime home and if I could sum up my time with her, it would be that in life sometimes you come across people who are not people but home. 

Dear universe, 

Thank you for making me feel blessed and loved. And I wish that all my readers find home. There’s nothing better than some soul filling conversations and hugs while the winter breeze flows through the hair as we walk through lonely lit roads in areas of Delhi which feel like another world. 

To love and life. 

scribbles

Why we appreciate what we appreciate?

I was surfing through Facebook and found a link from the movie: Liberal Arts where in that scene this was discussed among two individuals, why we read what we read? And it got me really curious. So I asked this question to 12 people and got 4 good answers, some responded with puns, some shared information on the internet. However I am gonna talk about 4 personalized responses that I got, Sonal, my friend from graduation years has nicely put things in the following message:

“I appreciate what I appreciate, because it establishes its importance or relevance in my life, and I want to acknowledge its presence. There is, so to speak, some connection or level of familiarity involved. I read/watch/listen anything because

a) I’m genuinely interested in that

b) It makes me feel good

c) I want to read/watch/listen to it

d) I care about someone who loves that particular thing

e) Sometimes you don’t have an option”

And Paridhi, my dearest mental twin puts it beautifully in the following lines:
“Because if we don’t appreciate what we want to appreciate, we are lying to ourselves and hiding and depriving the world of the truth.
And if we don’t read/watch/listen that which we wish to read/watch/listen, then we’re wasting and insulting the gift of eyes, ears, body and mind given to us by our mother nature.”

So the above two answers pretty much sums up everything everyone else said or shared. What is my take on this? Why am I writing a post about it?

I think that we appreciate what we appreciate because of how that external stimulus makes us feel. We all have emotions of happiness, sadness, bliss, disappointment within us which come out when we are faced with some external stimulus and that stimulus could be books, movies, people and anything and everything in this material world. We must acknowledge the fact that we all are different individuals with different thought patterns, ideologies and opinions and even though we are all made of the same star dust, we are all different beings relating to similar things at different points in time. You may absolutely hate something I love and I absolutely hate something you are passionate about but then you and I are really close friends so I might as well want to give that book, song or movie a second chance and that may not be the case with you because you’re you and I am me and we are all okay and justified in whatever we do but at the same time, nothing gives us the right to demean the choices the other human being makes. You might love to talk about cars and I obsess over coffee too much and we can have coffee talking about cars. There is always a way to live life in such beautiful patterns if only we twist our rigidness a little. And you know what there could be very little random things that could be the reason for your happiness and you appreciate those reasons and then the people around you raise eyebrows because they find you weird. I am often called “The very weird girl” in my group of friends and family. I often get dialogues like “how do you have friends”, “no wonder you’re single”, “you’re unrealistic”, “woman you’re crazy” and the list of dialogues is endless. But then aren’t we all weird and strange and quirky in our own little ways. I have hardly come across what do you call “normal” people because we are differently wired yet born with the same heart and it is the heart that matters. We appreciate what we appreciate because it makes our heart feel something and that’s what life is all about. The job of the heart is not to just pump blood. I read something that truly touched my heart
“You have to break your heart many times before it actually opens.”

-Rumi
So there will be disagreements regarding a lot of things in life and a lot of bonding over similar famdoms but then it is the heart. It is always the heart that plays the game and wins. There is no defeat when the heart feels.

life

What’s the whole point?

People are weird. One day someone would say that you mean the world to them and next day they could be absolutely mean without any reason. And I just experienced this. Honestly, if this would have happened few months ago I would have been mad or hurt or angered but now I have reached a stage in life, where if someone wants to stay, stay and I am glad and thankful. If someone wants to leave, leave and I am glad and thankful. If you leave without a reason, I would be upset for a while but then life goes on and it doesn’t matter in longer scheme of things. Instances like these make me wonder about the bigger things, what is the purpose of life anyway and how many temporary people are we supposed to meet till we actually figure out life? I love too easy and I let go even easily because if you don’t want to be around, very well, because I have got super high self esteem to let you mistreat me or disrespect me. And at the same time, if you offer little bit of love and respect, I am ready to walk over oceans for you because I don’t do things in moderation with calculative moves. I have lived my life with heart more than the head because you see I have strict parents and the moment my heart goes towards something irrational my mother comes around to save the day. What is the point of this blog post anyway?

People are important and people leave and stay as per their own state of mind. Be thankful to the ones around and wish well to those who leave. As far as you are as an individual is concerned, just keep moving on like devanand sahab-

“मैं ज़िन्दगी का साथ निभाता चला गया, हर फिक्र को धुंए में उड़ाता चला गया”

Good night people! Sleep well.

scribbles

Coffee Romance

My relationship with coffee is eternal. 

On my good days, it’s mere existence is sufficient while on bad days, I crave to die in the sea of coffee being embraced by its warmth. Sometimes I wish it could hug.

I have been wanting to have a cup of coffee at Perch, in Khan Market for approximately two years now and I was waiting to go there on a very special day with a special person. That was the place I had in my mind where I wanted to have my first romantic date with the best coffee in town. Little did I know that I would end up romancing the coffee because as that cream touch my lips, it’s perfect like first kiss with a lover. My friends often tell me that I romance the idea of first kiss way too much and practically, it’s unexpected and messy and not as beautiful as you write it in your fantasies but then who would know? Fantasies do come true when you just start living the fantasy. 
It was a romantic date. With coffee. 

And a special person with whom I shared some moments of laughter. I don’t think I can romance real people while having kissing scenes with coffee. 

Here’s to a beautiful coffee. And a beautiful human bearing with a crazy girl with Disney fantasies in life.

Dear beautiful human, 

My love for you is weirdly insane, in those winks and in those tickles and in those high fives where creativity meets with professionalism and in those sleepy eyes to high giggles, in those flat note songs and lame jokes. Let’s walk together, laughing at the craziness life is and just swing around the yellow line at the platform. Thank you for borrowing time because time is always borrowed and premium is paid in memories that stay. 

Stay. 

life

A Solitary Date @Coffee Home

Sitting by the window in Coffee Home, aroma of coffee builds a cloud of stories around me. As I gaze outside mesmerised by the foggy weather I see the poor children playing outside in the cold with dirt on them but they were free and had smiles on their faces. The cold didn’t seem to bother them during their play. Fearless birds they seem, purely living in the moment and enjoying life.
When I shift my eyes inside the big coffee home I find people running, debating, having meetings. Someone finalised a deal and headed for the door. With about more than 50 people around me, I was there sitting with coffee, my bag and my book that I was supposed to read in peace but couldn’t because I was busy reading real stories. Some came with family, some came with friends. A few were aloof like me sitting in corners looking around, actually reading books, and watching people. What striked me the most was the fact that even though people had company but still they were hooked up to their phones for long durations. I saw a family waiting for their order to arrive and there was a kid who wasn’t having a supposedly smartphone and was looking here and there because his family members were busy on their phones. Thankfully, I wasn’t, which I used to be and even continue to be sometimes, but wasn’t on that particular moment, and I guess I made a friend by making stupid faces and having fun with the kid. He was really cute and fair and had big black eyes through which he communicated. He looked like one of those babies in commercials. I wish to see that kid again. Something interesting striked me when I thought about it, what if we only used expressions to communicate. Silently expressing ourselves and just be. At the same time my love for words said something else. I guess I was just cooking up scenarios that could have made the world a better place. Coffee home is one of the places to know about humans. Humans like us who are different in some way. That day I saw a group of college friends hanging out looking for some cheap food and making noises and having fun and cribbing about being broke, it was a lovely sight though it gave me chills. Some love birds were too busy in themselves but if you happen to listen to their conversations you’ll find funny and quirky stories. It was a delight watching these people and reading their stories. By the time my coffee got finished I had a smile on my face and watery eyes. How amusing is life!

scribbles

Let’s just be.

I was never a person who would read multiple books because I had problems keeping a track. I have realised that it is in my own hands to take care of my concentration power. Recently I have had phases where I experienced Writers Block and Readers Block. To say that I am out of both is wrong, not entirely though. I have been writing but it’s majorly random scribbles like this one where all I talk about is daily mundane stuff but since it generates certain emotions and hence it is here. I can not write until and unless I feel something. It’s been 10 days since I have isolated myself from being a social butterfly and focusing on my growth. I have never been able to figure out whether I am an extrovert or an introvert. You may call me an Ambivert but someone told me that you’re either an introvert or an extrovert, there’s no in between but I see shades of grey and not the black and white of the things. However, this statement has got me thinking. What conclusion I have got, I have no clue. The thing is that ever since I am in a shell of my own, I have been ambitious and relaxed, I am such a paradox. Am I focusing too much on myself? Maybe. But who doesn’t. Everyone cares about themselves first.
In these 10 days, I have took to too much reading (woah.. alliteration)
I have been reading multiple books, two novels, various short stories by different authors, an epic called MahaBharata, poetry and ofcourse my text books and strangely, I have been able to keep a track of everything and my dreams are a mixture of all of them and I don’t know where I am heading but I am just loving everything. Without focusing on virtual conversations, I meet people in real and love to listen to them share things. I feel really glad that people find me trustworthy and share their things with me, listening to people gives me different perspectives. However with my best friends I force them to listen to me, you see, I talk a lot too. There’s a friend of mine who often tries to lecture me and I tell her that dude shut up, I am not listening to you but I sometimes wish I did. Apart from reading, I have been watching a lot of new shows and listening to music and I like it here. Peaceful, calm and lovable. Life feels worth it. But why am I sharing it all here if I am happy in my shell? You see, I haven’t talked much recently and I like to talk right now. So I thank all my readers for reading this because I have seen that all those posts which I don’t edit and just publish connect more because deep down we all are one. I may not know you but I might connect to you and we might interact someday and you could be my dear friend. Would you like it? I would. 😀