Hello Dear Readers,
I hope you all are doing really well in your respective lives and even if you are not, better days are on their way, so have patience. It’s easier said than done but trust me, just try.
Anyway, I had put up a shutdown post sometime back. On 6th July 2018, I said that I will be shutting down this blog which I have built over a period of five long years because I wanted to take up blogging to another different level. I wanted to be professional in my writing. I wanted to write about economic issues and other important things that go around the world and help the student community majorly through that blog. While the work for that is under process, I still have things left to say. I am not a professional economics student 24*7. I am human and this blog represents the human side of me. I have experimented with all kinds of writings, emotions, ideas here, so I am back to my familiar writing space in a community where I do have a bunch of regular readers across the world, with whom I may not have personal contact but interactions on WordPress, about ideas, poetry, writing and the feeling that no matter what, we are all the same people deep down is comforting.
Anyway, I have started to digress from the topic like I always do. I spend so much time setting up the context of the blog post that I get tired when I start to write the real thing. So without wasting any more time, I am here to talk about all the random stuff that comes to my mind while writing this. So no context. Feel free to leave reading at this point, or maybe get on with it and just go “Hmmmm, What did she actually say?” at the end. Your call. Choose Wisely. Here I start.
Sexual harassment and Mental Health are the two hot topics which we get to read about constantly on our social media accounts. Women are coming out with their stories which happened years ago, people are trying to talk about their mental health issues. There is so much good happening around us. We are in one of those times where we are actually using our freedom of expression and there are both sides to it. There are people in support and there are people who are mocking and demeaning us in ways which makes us fear the idea of talking about things that bother us. I refrain from talking about issues on social media because I personally do not have the energy to get involved in pointless debates on the internet that take away time, energy and mental peace. However, whenever there is a positive talk, I do indulge because even in the virtual world of technology, few positive words work wonders. Someone might have had a shitty morning and if you just tell them I hope you have a good day, much love to you, it might make them smile only for like 5 seconds but if they reflect and feel a bit lonely, this could be their cue to feeling a little okay at least if not better. In times like these, it is extremely important we choose the right things to read and write on the social media. Because there are bright sides and a dark hole which will consume you. And I am a person who is often confused so I have done both. I have been on the bright sides and I have been consumed by the dark hole.
And honestly, most of my writings and blog posts are for myself first and then for my readers. I am selfish that way. I like to write about things that hurt, I love to write about things that make me uncomfortable, that make me cry, that is cringeworthy at times as well because in my personal experience, this is the way I talk to myself, where I can be a friend to myself and enjoy my own company. And why I choose to put up such things on my blog is simply because I know I am not alone, there are a few bunch of people out there who think like me, who act like me, who are like me in so many ways and might just find comfort in their lives through these confused looking write-ups.
“It is always easier to be strong for your loved ones than for yourself.”
I read this line sometime back, somewhere. I don’t know the exact source, however, all I know is that this line has stayed with me for the longest time. I have had a tendency to attract all sorts of weird crazy broken people towards me and I used to think that it is my job to fix them all and I did that for years, since school time, since the time I remember having people around me. I was a people pleaser, I have always wanted people around me to be happy, even at the cost of my own happiness. Well, the world was not what I saw it to be with my rose-tinted glasses. People use and abuse good people like things and I have had my share of that. So now I am like chuck everyone, I rather started to enjoy the idea of offending people by not being always nice to them, mostly I became mean to my own relatives and aunts and uncles and anyone who did not give a good vibe. I became too judgemental and what I did was wrong, so don’t do that. Be nice to people, always. It is easy. And if you do not feel like being nice, back off, don’t offend someone, it hurts later. I have had my share of regrets there.
So I was reading a post I wrote in 2013, it said don’t let the negativity around you change the way you look at the world, be good and the good things and people will come to you. But I did not stick to what I believed in and used my negative experiences to build so many walls around me. I did let the negativity get to me and then a series of poetry and posts which I wrote had this one constant thought- I do not like the person I am becoming and suddenly I was lost forever. I knew my way, I knew my road and I hid behind the words- Maybe, I don’t know. I was just too scared to open myself up again until sometime back. From being someone who was comfortable alone and enjoyed her own company a lot, I started to get dependent on the outside of the things to get happy, I started wanting to have company, being alone did not feel as peaceful as it used to because of so many self-created issues and disorder of overthinking and less writing. I stopped being my own lucky charm because I stopped being strong for myself. I was strong for others but not myself the way I used to be. And that is when I started to love myself a little less and get critical and at the same time wanted so much out of me as a human that all of it got too much. I had high ambitions and failures simultaneously and everything then turned out to be about me. I started caring a little less about others, even my loved ones, even the family I am a part of, I distanced myself from everyone, most importantly, from myself.
Perhaps, the only person we need to be strong for is ourselves. Loving oneself is the only important thing because if I love myself enough, I’ll love you enough and a virtuous circle will start instead of a vicious circle of being critical towards oneself and the world. This is what I have been realizing and learning every day for past couple of weeks
Why on earth I am putting all of this in a blog post? All the things mentioned here are personal experiences and ideas and thoughts and the journey? Why is it up here on the WordPress blog? Because I have a dear friend who once told me, you are not alone. There are crazy people out there like you who have similar issues, who have similar problems, who have similar thought patterns and that is why you find Instagram posts that relate to you, that is why you find poems that feel as if they are describing you, that is why you find books whose main character looks just like you because deep down we are all humans and I hope this post finds you. I hope it makes you feel less alone, I hope it makes you write, talk to the ones you love, create art, go to comfortable familiar places which remind you of who you are and I wish you find friends who throw away your personal dictionary of weirdly stupid ideas and help you correct the fundamental thought of life and most importantly make you feel loved and worthy enough because you are worthy without doing any productive thing on a lazy day and you deserve the happiness and love you are getting. Don’t be like me questioning happiness. Be you. Meanwhile, I’ll try to be a better me.
oh, did I tell you that when you sing at the top of your voice, that is the ultimate happiness? So my dear reader, what are you waiting for?
And yes, this blog is back to being alive. I’ll keep updating both. This one and the professional blog under construction, show some love there too when it is launched. Thank you all so much in advance.