Lust for Life, Thirst to Thrive.

Hey Dear Readers,

I have come on to write on my blog after 2 years. And honestly I am nervous. My last post was made in 2020 and I had shared too much about Depression and Anxiety and how I don’t feel like living. Guess what I AM ALIVE! I really didn’t think so that I would be, because I was pretty miserable. I have been on a journey which not many will understand. But I have come to realize a couple of things. And first realization being, that I have so much lust for life and a thundering thirst to thrive. And so much hunger for freedom. But my lovelies, freedom comes with a price. And that price is priceless which cannot be described by words. To enjoy the fruits of freedom, you got to be FEARLESS AS FUCK!

And as a woman born in a middle class family in North India, we are conditioned to be fearful from childhood by parents, friends, school, society, teachers, mentors, gurus, politicians, administration where you work and what not. Don’t offend people, don’t be too loud, don’t say that, don’t sit like that, laugh like that, walk like that, talk like that. Be docile, respectful. Cover your body. Never express your sensuality. Don’t share that you are/were being sexually abused, emotionally abused. If relatives are mean to you or disrespectful or body shame you, don’t say a word. But I refuse to buy this IDEA and this BULLSHIT! You give respect, you get respect. Just because you are elder and related to me by blood, I won’t respect you if you are a JERK or JACKASS or A MEAN ASS BITCHY AUNTY!

Throughout my life, I have fought in the school, universities, with my parents to let me have my FREEDOM. Cut to adulthood and dating life, I am again fighting about my freedom with the men I date and trust me I have dated enough of them, across different states, religions and caste and some of them even living abroad. One phrase that I have never stopped hearing, ever since my dating life began back in 2013 is “NEHA, YOU ARE TOO MUCH TO HANDLE”

Yes, I am too much. And I won’t let another man dim my light. We have made our women free thinkers and independent but we haven’t taught our Indian Men to deal with the modern woman as Jerry Pinto puts in his book “Surviving Women”

Amit Tandon in his 2017 Stand up comedy said that Men in India are not born stupid but they are brought up stupid. And that is the second ULTIMATE TRUTH after DEATH. Refer to the quote- “Life is a Journey, Death is the Ultimate Truth.”

Anyway that is not the point of this blog, the point is I have so much lust for life, thirst to thrive that the rules of current society are holding me back. But this journey that I am on, be it of being a PhD Researcher, be it being on a Spiritual Path, be it wanting more out of life, is a lonely journey. Shah Rukh in his interview said that “I have always wanted to be on the top, but let me tell you, being on the top takes a lot of courage and it is very lonely up there. But that’s the price I have to pay for being THE Shah Rukh Khan”

So I have realized that I am SPECIAL AS FUCK. And I want to be THE NEHA THUREJA: THE WOMAN WHO HAS ALWAYS BEEN TOO MUCH. And it will be super lonely. I often think about things like- Whether I have it in me to take on this journey? Will I survive? Will I have the money? Will I be able to attain my goals and get to my higher purpose? Will I be able to become who I want to be? Will I be able to let go of all the Karmic Debts? Settle all of my karmic accounts? Will I be able to complete the journey of my soul? Who is this “I” that I keep referring to? Where does this “I” come from? Will I have a companion or is it going to be solo trip? What if I get exhausted? Will I get my tribe? On second thoughts, I do feel that I have a tribe, I am just not there with my tribe yet.

I live in dual worlds- one where I am a privileged girl who affords herself luxury spas where she experiences the joy of Tantra that OSHO talks about and the other one who goes to the villages and observes the lives of farmers and women in rural areas and want to make a change in this world by being in the village and wants to be a revolutionary. And I don’t know what path to take, whether I should aim for luxury or whether I should go to the roots, whether I should take the path of marriage or whether I should just become love and keep on loving as and when life gives me the opportunity without binding myself in the rulebook of society- Study. Job. Work. Career. Marriage. Kids. Grandkids. Die. Repeat.

You see I am not perfect, I am neither enlightened. I cry out loud and laugh out loud and when I get angry, hurt or upset, I EXPRESS THOSE too. And yes, I am not fearless yet. I do have my own share of fears. And I am confused about my path, my journey. I want to be attached but also be detached. Some of the things that I do are logical and some are pure filmy magic and then there are certain out of body psychic experiences that are above logic and beyond magic that make people say that “Oh don’t bother about her. She’s Crazy”, maybe I am.

For so many years, I thought I wanted to die, I thought I hate life or life hates me and maybe I should not be alive anymore. Those thoughts do bother me today also but I have realized that it wasn’t the above case ever. I HAVE ALWAYS HAD THE LUST FOR LIFE AND THIRST TO THRIVE and guess what! I will do it someday and it could be 6 months from now on or maybe 6 years from now on! I will come back to this space of Euphoric Being, My blog to share that I did it. Because I am gonna do it baby! WATCH OUT.