Hello Dear Readers,
It’s been a long while since I actually came on the blog to write about things and life in general. This post is going to be more random than all the posts before and it’s going to be something that you call from the point of the stream of consciousness where one just babbles whatever thoughts strike the mind. Sometimes I think it’s important to write thoughts once in a while because we are all mad here.
I am now 24 and I am still learning to be an adult, being irresponsible makes me want to behave like an adult and when I feel that I have been too responsible for a long while (long while here is probably just one week of doing everything right) I feel that there is a missing spark in life and let’s do something controversial not realizing that controversial stuff will give me a self-created headache. There is something called “The Political Death”, if you do everything as per the rules and everything goes smooth, as it should, things get monotonous and you don’t get too much attention from people around you, your family starts saying stuff like “Everything feels so nice when there is no turbulence, and you behave like a good girl”, and very often the term “good girl” annoys me more than it makes me feel validated. I have always been a good girl, no rule breaking, always taking the right path all the time as a kid and throughout my teenage years too. I haven’t really made mistakes and sometimes I regret that. I have got one life which I have lived playing safe, never landing up in drama or trouble and that somehow sucks, I don’t have many legendary stories to tell. My mother tells me that I have done enough rebellion, I disagree, I have taken minor decisions of life without their permission and that is considered as enough rebellion, I don’t know how I really feel about that because sometimes I think my mother is right and I now I need to take care of my health, my life, my focus and do things that are healthy, eat healthily, build healthy relationships, meditate and go towards spirituality which is all good and nice things and a part of me really wants to do that and be an ideal human being but then I wonder what will I accomplish after that? Suppose I do all things right, get settled in a stable career, earn crapload of money and get married to a good guy, where is fun? Where is the adventure in life I have dreamt of? Where are the failures after a huge risky step and where are the simple joyful successes after a weird adventure? Where are the funny travel stories? Where are the strange encounters with strangers? Where are those random bumping into a celebrity moment if I all I end up doing is being a good girl and playing safe. Sometimes I feel that I restrict my life a lot by what people will think of me because as someone who was not really accepted by the people around her throughout her childhood, I crave acceptance and that’s why for a lot of times I don’t do what I really want to do, for a lot of times, when I want to be selfish, I end up in self-harm where I am torn emotionally, mentally, physically. I constantly have guilt for doing something for me because very often it disappoints everyone around me and even if I do something for a person A, person B will be disappointed and that sucks. I constantly feel the need to keep everyone around me happy and take care of them while I feel hesitation in demanding that I “want” something out of someone because I always feel that they are not obligated to, which is true. Nobody owes anybody anything. I don’t know where am I or who am I or what I want or where I want to be, but I am sailing through adulthood. And I guess I will make it because I see people around me, a lot of them are well let me not say it, or to hell with it, let me just say it- Dumb, Unaware and Weird Folks who are doing just great in their lives, I guess I’ll do above average too because I don’t settle for average things in life, I may settle for below average men in my life for a couple of days or weeks but not when it comes to life.
Anyway, thanks for reading and wasting your 5 minutes knowing about a strange girl living in Indian Subcontinent with dreams that wander in French Novels, American High School setup, all things Disney and Bollywood. I hope you have a good day.