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Panic of Romance

Do you ever feel conflicted within yourself?

Like you really want something to happen but when it is actually happening you have a hundred questions, two hundred thoughts and one thousand trust issues with the fact whether something is actually happening or not for which you have wondered quite a long while with all the movies and books that you have read?

I became a writer when I first fell in love and I wanted to express myself but I also didn’t want to express directly so I would use poems and metaphors to convey how I feel and the one for whom I would write never really got that so I stopped bothering with the effort and became a blogger instead of a poet/writer. I don’t like to call myself a poet because I don’t write poetry per se. I write stories, and I narrate my life stories because narrating my own stories helps me get a better sense of my own life and it helps me understand my own self and my actions and reactions in a better way because if you really change your life, you gotta change yourself and you can only change and work on yourself if you understand yourself better. Unless you don’t know who you are and why you behave the way you do and why you think and feel the way you do, you won’t be able to change. I write poems when my heart gets involved. Either it is touched or happy or hurt, I’ll end up coming up with a poem but not when I really sit and think about it, I just can’t write a poem.

And for three years I have written plenty of poems, a lot of them reside here on this blog and these poems are all romantic ones, with imagery like the one you can imagine and feel good and they are all poems of an unfulfilled romance and they end with a hope of finding the perfect time and person. All of that dreamy stuff. But come back to real life, I belong to a millennial generation where dating is mostly about hooking up and not developing a connection, people are easily replaceable, if you are pretty, you get way too much attention but ask deep enough questions and people freak out and call you a hard nut to crack. I legit make all the potential dating possibilities run away through the way I direct the conversations. It’s not like I don’t want to have such a relationship but I want the right person to stay. I don’t want someone to stay just because of how I look.

And sometimes when I trust someone enough to try being romantic with me, I panic. There is this strange panic associated with the reality of potential romance. As much as I want to go on a date, my actions are completely in the opposite direction. I just make way too many efforts for the guy to cancel up because it’s easier that way. And all the songs, books, music and movies look better in fiction and I freak out a lot. I once remember jumping in surprise on my first date back in 2013 when the guy tried to put his hand on my waist and I gave him this scary and surprised look like “What do you think you are doing?” and well that was that. He never got a second date.

On one of the dates a couple of years ago, I remember this guy trying to hold my hand while crossing the road and I was like- “You think I can’t do that on my own, leave my hand. I cross roads alone in one of the busiest traffic areas without red lights and traffic police and you think you are helping me cross the road” and I crossed the road while he took some time to cross after the scolding he got from me. He did not get a second date either. (There is a happy crossing the road story too but that is for another day and time because that guy got a second date. Surprised? I was too, okay stop laughing and smirking, read ahead. :P)

Well, I can possibly go on about such stories but the point is I panic when someone tries to get close to me in a romantic fashion like I will definitely like the attention but I find that it is too time-consuming and all of the charades gets over in maximum a week. I could be in love with someone but then if we are not getting work done in our respective lives and just sharing sweet nothings, boy you gotta go, I gotta go, find someone who has time to do that.

I mean I will definitely enjoy all of the conversations shared in the middle of the day and in the middle of the night but if I don’t get enough sleep and my work and daily routine gets affected, I see a red signal and things just end.

Maybe I am too closed as a person, maybe I don’t open doors, I just open a window and then when the weather gets a bit uncomfortable, I close that window too. Call it running away or panic of romance, it’s like that until someone really makes me stay and drives this streak away.

Till then, it’s gonna be just first dates once in a while in the middle of running towards things that make my heart stay.

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The Achievement Addict

 

So yesterday, I stumbled upon this Ted Talk called Stop Trying So Har. Achieve More by Doing Less by Bethany Butzer. Technically, I did not stumble upon it, my mother made me watch it. My mother keeps sending me motivational videos and Ted talks to keep my life on track because I get derailed easily and often too and it takes me 2-3 incidents to turn into a crazy ass rebellious teenager at the age of 23. (Side note- My mother was married by this time and she was being a successful adult so there is quite a pressure there, not externally but self-created)

Okay so, this woman in her Ted talk talked about being an Achievement Addict and I could relate so well to her. As a kid, my mother had put me into various classes so that I can learn the following skills- Painting, Dance, Singing, Kathak, Crafts, Piano Lessons, Theatre lessons etc etc because if you have watched the stand-up comedy of Kanan Gill, your first child is THE PROJECT. You want that child to be the best child in the world. And so my mother tried and me being me, didn’t stick long enough to get an expert at anything. The only thing I ended up being excellent as was to study and top my class. Imagine being a topper since LKG and continuing the tradition even in college. I had become an achievement addict. And as I grew up, I did all the things my mother tried for me to do and I have been pretty good at it even if not an expert. I became the most famous and most loved student in school by the time I was in 10th and my name is still remembered by all the teachers and quite a huge number of students from different batches. And so is the case with my college years, everyone basically knows who am I except myself.

At my age, it is very difficult to have a CV of more than one page but here I am with a CV of 3 pages which I need to shorten often whenever I apply to places.

And I always put in too much effort everywhere because I have become addicted to all the love, approval and appreciation coming my way. And it sometimes gets overwhelming because my friends end up telling me that I don’t know how to be relaxed or be chill enough. I stress too much, I work too much, I slog too much and I do have a hard time dealing with criticism. There is a compulsive need to be liked by people I like and not everyone will like me, but I have a hard time dealing with that. Either I am always in this zone where I feel that I am not good enough or I am in the narcissistic zone where I feel like I am the best person and nobody deserves the best I have to offer but that’s just a temporary zone because there are times when I do feel like not giving a flying fuck but I do care a lot so it gets conflicting.

All in all, I forgot to live life in a simple way because whenever I will be having an ordinary day I will get bored, I will feel I am not accomplishing anything and I will go out of the way to do something that would make me feel accomplished and good enough about myself.

But now that I have realized these things, I have been in the realization zone for quite a long while I must say. So I am making certain lifestyle changes, I am trying to be good, to be better and to enjoy the ordinary. And to just exist and trust me it’s not that bad.

Yes, my inner achievement addict is still very much active and it still wants to do so much but I am training that addict of mine to not seek approval, to not go overboard and to not become extra. And it’ll take time.

Point of writing this blog post?

I am still figuring it out, I just had to write it to keep this realization alive. I write mostly for myself because I have a lot to say and writing things out helps me get clarity to my own head. You’re reading it just by chance and it might interest you and make you explore your inner addicts maybe?

 

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Tripping with Miss Guide You

“Kehte hain agar kisi cheez ko dil se chaho … to poori kainath use tumse milane ki koshish mein lag jaati hai”

Coming from a conservative middle-class family and having overprotective parents, I have been mostly an obedient kid who studied well and spent most of her time with books and had several crushes on fictional characters. I rebelled too but in limits, as much my parents would put up with.
My parents are risk averse individuals who are always content with simple things in life. They really don’t need anything in life to make them happy. They are happy saint-like souls satisfied with all the situations of life. I, on the other hand, a 23-year-old girl who is super active on social media and sees all her friends do traveling and exploring the places and meeting new people, have always dreamt of a trip alone and given the safety situation for girls and women in the country, it looked like a distant dream.

But the universe has its ways.

I happen to come across with this one human being whom I would like to call Farishta, who had turned the course of my life in a happy direction in the past so many months. Some people come to you in times when you begin to lose hope in people, in love, in friendship and in life in general. I like to call him a Farishta because even though I had every best thing in my life, I wasn’t really living. He helped me to gain a positive outlook. Anyhow, it was through him, I got to know about “Miss Guide You”, a group which organizes regular trips. My dream was finally turning into a reality. Perks of being friends with Adulter Adults is that they convince your parents to let you go on a trip like this so that’s how my parents agreed to let me take this trip. The added bonus here was I was being accompanied by Mrs. Farishta.

Now, I am mostly socially awkward at first and then depending on the people around me, I take the minimum an hour or the maximum a day to get comfortable or I do not get comfortable at all. And once I am comfortable, you’re going to get the entertainment for your life because I am going to get super Bollywood and sing songs and talk like I have known you forever. I take up space and make a homely feeling and laugh out loud like anything. I don’t know how to be girly, I only know how to be me. Clumsy, messed up, happy, and lazy too.

I could go on mentioning the details of the trip, day by day, night by night and how much fun it was. And making a beautiful story for you to read, but honestly, I don’t feel like doing that right now.

A. Because I haven’t had my morning coffee

B. I feel lazy

C. Ainvayyyyyyiiiiii (karan johar fan, had to do this drama)

Overall, the trip was a happy experience. it made me meet new people, listen to new stories and gain new experiences and having Mrs. Farishta by my side helped. Initially, this trip was to spend some quality time with her but due to certain health issues that didn’t happen and I floated around happily like a kid here and there while she slept.

“Traveling changes you.” I was told. I don’t know about the change, but all I know about is that traveling made me more chirpy and it made me feel free. And I guess that’s what really matters.

Oh btw I did not tell you, where did I go? Hahahah, see how distracted I am?

Well, I went to Jibhi and Jalori Pass, the same place where I went for my first official capacity building tour and wrote an elaborated blog post- The Himachal Trail- https://euphoricbeing.wordpress.com/2018/06/20/the-himachal-trail/

So, without really making a point or crafting a beautiful conclusion to this post, I would just like to appreciate the group called Miss Guide You, My Mr. and Mrs. Farishta Friends because of whom this trip happened and all the lovely human beings who were a part of this trip, who made it such a happy experience and to the new bigshot friends I have made in BMW, Yamaha, and international bloggers, content writers, and website developer people and all the digital marketing people etc etc. Kaafi Swag wale Log. And my parents who let me go and have this experience.

Side Note– Sit on the road in the hills under the moonlight and listen to the sound of the silence whenever you go there next. Or maybe just sing Chanda Re Chanda Re while staring at the moon on a cold night. Kaafi happy feeling.

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Aapse Milkar Accha Laga!

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Guru Poornima 

ज़िन्दगी का सफ़र भी चांद की अदाह है,

हर रोज़ नया रूप,

आज गुरु पूरब के दिन आओ,

इस पूर्ण रूप को निहार लें,

बहुत सा सफ़र अधूरेपन में गुज़ार देते हैं,

आज एक पल के लिए ही सही पूर्णता को जी लें।
~नेहा थरेजा

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Vedika

I met Vedika on a train that was poetic. I met her smiling to the verses and I met her when she asked me if she could lean her head on my shoulder and I met her when she sat happily in my lap radiating brightness that the world lightens up and ones heart would just beat a little faster and wonder I want to have this person by my side, looking at her makes me happy. I met Vedika on a date when she would just talk about things animatedly and full of excitement and would not even care for a reply or a response. I met Vedika in a bookstore looking at the menu and deciding on something to drink and then getting mad at how expensive tea is while iced tea is worth the price. I met Vedika at the station in our endless conversations and how much mad she is at the stupidity of the world around and I met Vedika for a minute only to hug her because we are girls with deadlines and I met Vedika over phone calls and happy texts where we both empower each other. I met Vedika in the best moment possible because she is someone I love and I love beyond eternity. To cakes, books and Christmas and white hair.

Vedika is an angel where I find home. 

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Belong

दिल्ली, मुम्बई, कलकत्ता
मेरे दिल का एक हिस्सा इन सब शहरों में बसता है,

इश्क़ मुझे आज भी दिल्ली से है।
चौकलेट, चाय, चिक्की
ये तीनों ‘च’ मुझे प्यारे हैं,

दिल की बात आज भी चाय की चुस्की लेते वक्त ही होती है।
प्यार, घर, तुम
तुम खास हो,

दिल के बेहद पास हो,

प्यार आज भी घर में है,

तुम घर नहीं, ख्याल हो,

और मेरे ख्याल आज भी मेरे नहीं।

~नेहा