Uncategorized

Panic of Romance

Do you ever feel conflicted within yourself?

Like you really want something to happen but when it is actually happening you have a hundred questions, two hundred thoughts and one thousand trust issues with the fact whether something is actually happening or not for which you have wondered quite a long while with all the movies and books that you have read?

I became a writer when I first fell in love and I wanted to express myself but I also didn’t want to express directly so I would use poems and metaphors to convey how I feel and the one for whom I would write never really got that so I stopped bothering with the effort and became a blogger instead of a poet/writer. I don’t like to call myself a poet because I don’t write poetry per se. I write stories, and I narrate my life stories because narrating my own stories helps me get a better sense of my own life and it helps me understand my own self and my actions and reactions in a better way because if you really change your life, you gotta change yourself and you can only change and work on yourself if you understand yourself better. Unless you don’t know who you are and why you behave the way you do and why you think and feel the way you do, you won’t be able to change. I write poems when my heart gets involved. Either it is touched or happy or hurt, I’ll end up coming up with a poem but not when I really sit and think about it, I just can’t write a poem.

And for three years I have written plenty of poems, a lot of them reside here on this blog and these poems are all romantic ones, with imagery like the one you can imagine and feel good and they are all poems of an unfulfilled romance and they end with a hope of finding the perfect time and person. All of that dreamy stuff. But come back to real life, I belong to a millennial generation where dating is mostly about hooking up and not developing a connection, people are easily replaceable, if you are pretty, you get way too much attention but ask deep enough questions and people freak out and call you a hard nut to crack. I legit make all the potential dating possibilities run away through the way I direct the conversations. It’s not like I don’t want to have such a relationship but I want the right person to stay. I don’t want someone to stay just because of how I look.

And sometimes when I trust someone enough to try being romantic with me, I panic. There is this strange panic associated with the reality of potential romance. As much as I want to go on a date, my actions are completely in the opposite direction. I just make way too many efforts for the guy to cancel up because it’s easier that way. And all the songs, books, music and movies look better in fiction and I freak out a lot. I once remember jumping in surprise on my first date back in 2013 when the guy tried to put his hand on my waist and I gave him this scary and surprised look like “What do you think you are doing?” and well that was that. He never got a second date.

On one of the dates a couple of years ago, I remember this guy trying to hold my hand while crossing the road and I was like- “You think I can’t do that on my own, leave my hand. I cross roads alone in one of the busiest traffic areas without red lights and traffic police and you think you are helping me cross the road” and I crossed the road while he took some time to cross after the scolding he got from me. He did not get a second date either. (There is a happy crossing the road story too but that is for another day and time because that guy got a second date. Surprised? I was too, okay stop laughing and smirking, read ahead. :P)

Well, I can possibly go on about such stories but the point is I panic when someone tries to get close to me in a romantic fashion like I will definitely like the attention but I find that it is too time-consuming and all of the charades gets over in maximum a week. I could be in love with someone but then if we are not getting work done in our respective lives and just sharing sweet nothings, boy you gotta go, I gotta go, find someone who has time to do that.

I mean I will definitely enjoy all of the conversations shared in the middle of the day and in the middle of the night but if I don’t get enough sleep and my work and daily routine gets affected, I see a red signal and things just end.

Maybe I am too closed as a person, maybe I don’t open doors, I just open a window and then when the weather gets a bit uncomfortable, I close that window too. Call it running away or panic of romance, it’s like that until someone really makes me stay and drives this streak away.

Till then, it’s gonna be just first dates once in a while in the middle of running towards things that make my heart stay.

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life · scribbles · story

Side Dish

Don’t allow yourself to be a side dish in somebody’s life, always insist on being the main course.

-Ranran

This post is about friendships. My circle of friends has always been really small, people come and they go. Hardly there are people who end up staying for years. I have like five people in my life who have been really important to me and who make feel important too. But sometimes your heart gets broken even in friendships and your friends are not even at fault but you just get hurt and at the same time you don’t want to feel the way you do but you do because you’re only human.

I am at a point in my life where every single person around me, from school, from college and from all different walks of life are committed and I feel like I am the only single one around and I often feel abandoned in my friendships and honestly, that sucks. It’s like you’re happy for your friends but at the same time, they make you feel that you are no longer wanted neither your presence is needed and you’re basically an outsider. And it does not matter if you’re friends for 8 years, 5 years or any god damn period, you are not the main person anymore. They don’t need you anymore to tell their stories to you, they have “their” person now and you’re just encroaching upon the other person’s time which was once yours.

And well it takes time to accept and get okay with this scenario because you love your friends despite this fact and you also know where you stand so you take a step back.

And then “The Break Up” happens and suddenly you become the main person because you’ve always been there even when they were not there and you love, you love because you love. It’s that simple and you tell your friend that you felt like a side dish at one point when they got into a relationship and they apologize and tell you how much you matter to them and then they tell you that you are special and important and everything goes back to normal and then they again find “their” person and you meet “The Couple”, feel like a family and then again the whole cycle repeats and you’re just hurt. You’re not even mad and you just feel like disappearing because you are so easily replaceable. You’re made to feel like just a side dish which no one really gives a fuck about. And you don’t even feel like being mad at your friends because they look so happy and so much in love. You don’t want to break their happy bubble by bringing in how they are making you feel.

I have lost three people who were my so-called “best friends” just because they fell in love and I left their lives and they didn’t even bother to notice. And if they didn’t even notice, how will they ever ask me to stay or stop. So, I don’t call anyone my best friend now because I really don’t have one. But I do have my people whom I know that they understand me and they are there for me and are going to be there for me. But that’s the thing, whenever I get hurt, I close down. That’s the time when I need someone but then I will keep lying to myself that I don’t need anyone and I’ll be fine and I do get fine but I also end up pushing away the people who actually care about me and my existence. And I don’t want to make the same mistake again. This post is dedicated to them, thank you. Thank you for being there and making me feel like I matter to you.

Someone recently told me that “You feel too much, You’re an overwhelming person and people are not comfortable being with people who feel the way you do”

This one is dedicated to the ones who actually put up with the girl who feels too much and goes overboard sometimes. I love you. Thank you for asking me “How are you doing?” occasionally, thank you for telling me that “you are there”, thank you for telling me that “you love me” even when I am not so lovable on some of the days.

Thank you for treating me like the main course on some days, instead of just a side dish.

Uncategorized

The Achievement Addict

 

So yesterday, I stumbled upon this Ted Talk called Stop Trying So Har. Achieve More by Doing Less by Bethany Butzer. Technically, I did not stumble upon it, my mother made me watch it. My mother keeps sending me motivational videos and Ted talks to keep my life on track because I get derailed easily and often too and it takes me 2-3 incidents to turn into a crazy ass rebellious teenager at the age of 23. (Side note- My mother was married by this time and she was being a successful adult so there is quite a pressure there, not externally but self-created)

Okay so, this woman in her Ted talk talked about being an Achievement Addict and I could relate so well to her. As a kid, my mother had put me into various classes so that I can learn the following skills- Painting, Dance, Singing, Kathak, Crafts, Piano Lessons, Theatre lessons etc etc because if you have watched the stand-up comedy of Kanan Gill, your first child is THE PROJECT. You want that child to be the best child in the world. And so my mother tried and me being me, didn’t stick long enough to get an expert at anything. The only thing I ended up being excellent as was to study and top my class. Imagine being a topper since LKG and continuing the tradition even in college. I had become an achievement addict. And as I grew up, I did all the things my mother tried for me to do and I have been pretty good at it even if not an expert. I became the most famous and most loved student in school by the time I was in 10th and my name is still remembered by all the teachers and quite a huge number of students from different batches. And so is the case with my college years, everyone basically knows who am I except myself.

At my age, it is very difficult to have a CV of more than one page but here I am with a CV of 3 pages which I need to shorten often whenever I apply to places.

And I always put in too much effort everywhere because I have become addicted to all the love, approval and appreciation coming my way. And it sometimes gets overwhelming because my friends end up telling me that I don’t know how to be relaxed or be chill enough. I stress too much, I work too much, I slog too much and I do have a hard time dealing with criticism. There is a compulsive need to be liked by people I like and not everyone will like me, but I have a hard time dealing with that. Either I am always in this zone where I feel that I am not good enough or I am in the narcissistic zone where I feel like I am the best person and nobody deserves the best I have to offer but that’s just a temporary zone because there are times when I do feel like not giving a flying fuck but I do care a lot so it gets conflicting.

All in all, I forgot to live life in a simple way because whenever I will be having an ordinary day I will get bored, I will feel I am not accomplishing anything and I will go out of the way to do something that would make me feel accomplished and good enough about myself.

But now that I have realized these things, I have been in the realization zone for quite a long while I must say. So I am making certain lifestyle changes, I am trying to be good, to be better and to enjoy the ordinary. And to just exist and trust me it’s not that bad.

Yes, my inner achievement addict is still very much active and it still wants to do so much but I am training that addict of mine to not seek approval, to not go overboard and to not become extra. And it’ll take time.

Point of writing this blog post?

I am still figuring it out, I just had to write it to keep this realization alive. I write mostly for myself because I have a lot to say and writing things out helps me get clarity to my own head. You’re reading it just by chance and it might interest you and make you explore your inner addicts maybe?

 

scribbles · story

Is independence a complete concept?

Disclaimer: This article is written from a girl’s point of view living in Indian society. It does not intend to take a jibe at any of the existing concepts. Please read this with an open mind and don’t take things personally. I, as an author of this article, am open to your views and ideas on the issue. This article has manifested as a result of several conversations with my friends and various people around me, observations of events and daily incidences that have been taking place around me for more than 5 years. All the stories that I narrate here are real with no fictional element attached to them. Thank you.

I know what you’re thinking. Why have I added this disclaimer? It’s because whenever I try to raise any perspective regarding sensitive issues in society, before actually understanding the thought behind it, people get offended for no reason. My readers must understand that I am a student and I am learning. This blog is my space of expressing my thoughts and ideas and I am open to new perspectives too. I do not intend to get involved in unnecessary online debates, if you have something to say regarding what I think, please feel free to say that and allow me time to think from your point of view. We are all different people with different stories and we all perceive things differently, so without being mean to each other, let’s respect one another thoughts and have a constructive discussion rather than social media trolling or banter.

Now coming to the actual content, the question of Independence is a tricky one. Please note that Independence here is being talked about with reference to Indian women because, in India, men are the more privileged ones by the virtue of their gender in a patriarchal society.

As a kid, we were always taught about equality, human rights, basic fundamental independence to make a choice but as I grew up I realized how flawed our understanding is. Men and women are definitely not equal in any of the aspects. While feminism talks about equality and making the world a better place because we all should just treat each other as humans first. We need to understand that men and women are different with regard to their physicality, their psychology, their emotional quotient, their intelligence quotient, and these differences exist within the same gender too. No two individual human being can ever be exactly the same. But when we have to talk in general terms, men and women are wired differently and a lot of their behaviors depend on their upbringing, the kind of environment they have lived in, what they read and the kind of exposure they have of the world.

Independence does not come naturally to Indian women. I am the elder sister and still, there are occasions when I have to go to the local market after 8PM, my mother asks me to take my younger brother along, which does not make sense because

  1. He does not want to leave his work
  2. It is my own area, my own locality, so what it is late?

Safety is the issue. I get that. I get their valid concerns and it hurts because I am helpless. I cannot convince my parents that I am safe in Delhi after 8PM because I know I am not. I have to keep my eyes and ears open at all times even during the daytime. Live locations and informing my parents whether I have reached my destination safely or not has been a daily practice. But we are talking about independence here, not the safety issue.

Girls and women in India need to pick their battles for independence. Independence to make a decision, make a choice, travel, be themselves basically. Independence to wear clothes, to date, to eat what they want to eat,  to develop sexual relations with someone, to travel solo, to get ahead in a career, to study, to make a choice regarding their life and so many other trivial things which are basically daily routine things.

What I feel is that independence is, first of all, a state of mind and then it is defined by the people and situations around you.

Now I’ll tell you where I got the motivation to write this post. It was during one of the conversations with a friend of mine. So, I had to deliver a package to another friend who used to be my batchmate in college and she sent her boyfriend to collect it and just like that, I was talking about my day to that friend and she just said- “you know you are too independent for your own good. Men appreciate it when you seek help from them. They don’t like women who are too independent because independent women like you challenge the male authority. Any alpha male will not like an alpha female and that’s exactly why you’ve remained single throughout. You don’t share your work or burden with the men in your life, try doing that, someone might date you.”

Okay, so first of all, with no offense to that friend, I truly believe that she is deeply conditioned by the patriarchal society and has accepted the ideas that she has been fed with. Secondly, I believe that the minds of the Indian women are not independent. They have started to believe that they are the weaker sex while they are not. A woman is definitely not as physically strong as a man but the kind of emotional and mental strength that women have been gifted with is commendable and if any individual, be it a man or a woman conquer the limitations of their minds is unstoppable.

I also feel that women under the pretext of lack of independence tend to exploit the men in their lives. Because while there are struggles of being a woman in Indian society, there are different kinds of struggles of being a man too. And if a man happens to be sensitive enough, girls do play their card of being a girl. I have seen quite a lot of emotionally unavailable men in my life, a lot of them have been my friends and for some reason, I have seen the guys who have been labeled as “emotionally unavailable” cry in front of me and I could not be more glad about it because they have helped me understand the psychology of a normal average guy and their pressures. Now, as a girl, I have always felt that men have more independence as compared to women and while that’s true, but it helped me realize that independence is not a complete concept in itself. You can not be completely independent, whether you are a man or a woman. Independence in terms of getting things done on a daily basis, emotional quotient, mental quotient are all different aspects and while you can be independent in one aspect, you may not be independent in another aspect and it is okay. Independence while it is a personal choice, it is also affected by several other circumstances around you.

I don’t know if I have successfully made a point here in this post or raised a question here because I am still pretty much confused with the concept of independence, so please share your ideas and experiences.

Thank you for reading!

 

 

 

Books · story

Books I read in 2018

Dear All,

Wishing you an extremely Happy New Year. Every year I read a lot of books and plan to write a blog about the books that I read and it has been happening for two years. But I would always procrastinate it and never document my reads of the year. So after failing this thought of documenting the reads in 2016 and 2017, I am actually going to act on this thought and make sure I make it a regular practice.

2017 was also the year where I picked too many books to read and left a lot of them incomplete. But 2018 was different, I read and I finished the books, not all but most of them to be honest.

  1. Madhushala by Harivansh Rai Bachchan
    I had picked this book randomly while walking in CP around Christmas of 2017. Madhushala is one poem which I have heard on Youtube quite a couple of times but never read it until I picked this up and each and every stanza/couplet was so beautiful and so meaningful that I kept on re-reading this book for a long time. It is definitely a recommended read. ❤

    I am not a fan of Hindi Book Reading but this one was a good start with a simple language. There were words whose meanings I did not get but I have great friends who helped so yeah.

  2. Amrita Imroz: A Love Story by Uma Trilok
    It is a love story and life story of Amrita Pritam. Amrita Pritam is one of the most celebrated poets of her time, a woman with a rebellious and feminist character. Her poems touch your soul and they often find references in Bollywood movies. Reading this book was a beautiful journey in itself.
  3. Dohanomics by Vinayak Sapre
    This one taught investment lessons with the help of Dohas of Kabir and Rahim. In childhood, we all have read Rahim and Kabir Dohas in Hindi and have written several exams. Who knew that Dohas could teach economic lessons. This book holds a special place not for what it taught me but what it made me do. This book made me conduct a book discussion at my university. I had an interaction with students, my seniors, my juniors, teachers and we tried to find economic lessons in various other forms of literature. And it was one hell of a successful event.
  4. Delhi by Heart by Raza Rumi
    This book was a Christmas gift by a friend of mine. It came all the way from Banaras. I had started reading this in December 2017 but ended up finish reading it in January 2018. And it was one of the most insightful and beautiful books on Delhi I have ever read. This book has my heart.
    If you don’t like Delhi as a city, read this one and you will end up falling in love with the imperfect city that we live in. Delhi is polluted and it’s air is contaminated and everyone wants to leave the city for better breath but this city has so much love and this book will make you feel that love.
  5. Love by Jeanette Winterson
    A vintage mini, an okay read. It had some good lines but that’s about it.
  6. Paaji Nazmein By Gulzar
    Beautiful book. Gulzar Sahab is a legend. What can you really say? I have a couple of favorite poems from this one.
  7. Lost in Translation by Ella Frances Sanders
    A collection of words from different languages across the globe about certain trivial things. It makes you feel like a child while you read it. ❤
  8. A Little Book of Happiness by Ruskin Bond
    Ruskin Bond is my favorite author and his little books are a precious collection of quotes. Always recommended.
  9. The Book of Nizamuddin Aulia by Mehru Jaffer
    What a beauty! This is one informative book, which teaches well and also gives you a good sufi playlist. All the songs like Chaap Tilak have a story behind them and this book narrates those stories and give the sufi songs a beautiful dimension.
  10. The Love Letter and other stories by Buddhadeva Bose
    This book has some heart-wrenching stories and quotes. I have a diary where I put in my favorite quotes from the books I read. Quotes that touch my heart. This book finds quite a lot of it’s paragraphs in that pretty diary of mine. ❤
  11. Desire by Haruki Murakami
    Good Read.
  12. Titanic: The Story Of Unsinkable Ship
    Don’t remember much of it, okay read.
  13. The Nine Chambered Heart by Janice Pariat
    What a book! It gives different perspectives and makes you question a lot of things and people and ideas around you.
  14. Her by Pierrie Alex Jeanty
    Beautiful poetry collection which will mostly make you feel the joy of being a woman.
  15. Moon Theory by R.M Drake
    Poems you need to read on your bad days. Basically self empowering poetry.
  16. Reflections of a Man by Mr. Amari Soul
    Okayish, can pick it up. I feel it’s overhyped.
  17. A Strangely Wrapped Gift by Emily Byrnes
    Beautiful poems and the book is very pretty. But that’s pretty much about it.
  18. Hot Tea Across India by Rishad Saam Mehta
    This book was chosen carefully. I was going on my first office trip to the hills and wanted to take along a perfect travel read and this proved to be one. It has several travel stories and tea moments. So, if you are fond of reading while being on a journey and a tea addict like me, go for it. Pick it up only when you are traveling because it makes the reading experience all the more fun.
  19. Nude Poems by Vishal Bhardwaj
    This was a gift from a friend of mine and it proved to be a beautiful read. I finished reading this book early in the morning around 7AM while sitting on the banks of Tirthan River. So this book is very special because of the emotions it invoked and because of the reading experience I had.
  20. Labour in Contemporary India by Praveen Jha
    Technical read. Good one for economics people.
  21. Beautiful Chaos by R.M Drake
    Self Help Poetry which makes you feel better about life when you feel a little down.
  22. Dirty Pretty Things by Michael Faudet
    This is a pure erotic collection and an amazing one at that. You don’t need a man to turn you on. The words in these are enough to explore the sexual feelings and emotions that are often suppressed and hidden because of the society we live in.
  23. A Little Book Of Serenity by Ruskin Bond
    Absolute Beauty! Reading this will make you feel serene even in chaos.
  24. Would you like some bread with that book and other instances of Literary Love by Veena Venugopal
    This book made me feel that I am not alone. The author felt like my soul sister. She described why books are so important to her and her experiences while reading several books. She had the same fictional crushes like I had and she also had similar thoughts while reading certain books like I had so it felt a little spooky. I wrote her a fanmail and never got a response, well that’s not something new.
  25. 50 Cups of Coffee by Khushnuma Daruwala
    This book talks about hilarious dating experiences for weird girls like me who read too much, have high unrealistic standards and are mostly looking for Mr. Right but end up disappointed. I legit fell off the bed laughing while reading this book.
  26. Eleven Ways to Love-Essays
    Best Book of 2018. Read it to feel it. I can write an entire blog post on this alone. But I don’t want to give any spoilers for the same. But it’s a must read!
  27. He’s Just Not That Into You
    Absolutely useless book. Don’t read. Your friends are enough to tell you whether a guy likes you or he is just playing with your emotions. 😛
  28. Ninety-Seven Poems by Terribly Tiny Tales
    Good Book. Simply bought it because it was crazy pretty!
  29. Adulthood is a Myth by Sarah Anderson
    Too relatable. Beautiful comic book. This book is me. XD
  30. Public Policy in India by Chakrawarty and Sanyal
    Good academic read. Recommended for people in social sciences.
  31. Pathways to Economic Development by A.K. Dutt
    Good academic read. Recommended for people in social sciences.
  32. The Rabbit and The Squirrel by Siddharth Dhanvat Shangvi
    ❤ ❤ ❤
  33. A Little Book of Courage by Ruskin Bond
    I read this book for free while standing in the bookstore for 1.5 hours and pretending that I am not free riding while I was absolutely doing the free riding shit. It takes courage to read a little book of courage for free 😛
  34. The Pajamas are Forgiving by Twinkle Khanna
    Cute light read.
  35. What I know for sure by Oprah Winfrey
    Tells you nothing new but will make you see and appreciate the positive things in life and how you can choose to be happy even in messy days
  36. A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
    A Christmas ritual read.
  37. The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes
    ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
    I LOVE CALVIN! THE END.

Books that I picked up but did not finish reading (Will write about them when I finish reading them)

  1. A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth
  2. The Soul Of Rumi: New Collection of Poems by Coleman Barks
  3. Nation’s Favorite Love Poems by BBC
  4. The city of Djinns by William Dalrymple

Basically, it was a good year in terms of reading. I did not read as much as I could have because most of my time went in reading A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth until I got too tired of it. At one point, I thought I will get married before the girl in the book. It has 1500+ pages and I have covered more than 50% of the book but there is still a long way to go, I hope to finish reading this book in 2019.

Feel free to share your thoughts and favorite reads in the comment section.

Thanks for reading!

Happy Reading!

 

life · scribbles · story

Adult Relationships

As a girl in her early twenties, I see my Instagram and Facebook be full of posts of my friends having their own tribe, their own people, who have been constants, which have been in their lives for a long period of time. Everyone just seems to have a best friend, a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a bunch of people who are always there.

People have people to hang out with, to call, to go celebrating with, to cry with. They have their groups from school, from college, from office, from tuitions. Everybody just seems to be having someone to hug, having someone to cry with, having a decade old best friend or something like that. But this is what I see on social media, I don’t have much clue about their real life in depth. And for a very long time, it used to make me feel lonely for the lack of a best friend or a boyfriend in life. I have always feared that everyone I will love oh so dearly will leave my life because they have always left in the past. I never had a strong-knit group in the school, in college or in post graduation. I only had individual friendships and connections which have been so fulfilling but I always yearned for something I didn’t have. It’s human nature to look at what is not there rather than be grateful for the abundance that we already have.

But this year had been life-changing in terms of how I perceive my own life. It has taught me to trust, to depend, to let my guard down, to open up and to love. It has taught me to be more receptive to learning, to break my prejudices, to understand the other person and most importantly understand myself.

Adult relationships and friendships can be complicated if you have been a closed person in the past who has a hard time accepting changes in life and changes in the equation with the people around. It is always said that we are a what we are because of the people that surround us. Surround yourself with good people, your life will change automatically, for good.

My fears of having my loved ones leave, never let me get involved into a friendship or a relationship completely because I was lacking faith and trust in the fact that when people leave, I won’t be able to manage. As much as I enjoyed solitude, I was lonely deep down because of my fears of being lonely, being left alone so before anyone could hurt me or come close enough to me that I can cry in front of them or reach out to them when I am sitting at the bathroom floor weeping about something, I would push that person away. I have only talked about my traumas or bad days when I have actually overcome them but never when I am having those moments because I didn’t trust anyone enough to take care of me or to be put it more honestly I never felt worthy enough to let someone waste their precious time listening to me cry. But this year all of this changed, I got too much involved with all my heart and I could not be more glad about it because..well you’ll know at the end of this post. 

This year has taught me to value myself and to be kind to myself first. I would always go out of the way for the people I love but I would never do that for myself. I will always be so hard on myself and will be a person who gets sad often because I wanted more out of myself. But this year I feel that I have improved each day because of the people around me. I have been so blessed to have found a best friend in my mother and to have been able to let my guard down with one or two people this year. This year I learned to depend and then to become independent too when there were changes. Mostly, whenever I happen to experience a change in my relationship or in my life in general which I do not like because it takes away the comfort zone, I would get bitter and close myself but this time I saw these changes as an evolutionary change, as a new experience, as an opportunity to be a better human than I was a day ago and in some cases, a couple of hours ago.

I am human and I have feelings. There are times when I feel disappointed, hurt, sad too but I have learned to heal myself. And I am learning to love with an open heart and I cannot describe how happy it makes me feel. Adult relationships and friendships don’t seem too complicated or hard now. The people in my life and my mother have helped me changed my perspective on myself, on my life and on the changes and the challenges life has to offer and my dear one, life begins to change only when you do. So, anyone who is reading this post, I wish you love, luck, and inner strength because when you are surrounded by these things, the world around you changes.

Now I don’t feel sad or lonely by seeing people celebrate or post pictures with their best friends, boyfriends, and girlfriends because every individual is different and we all have different kinds of personalities and relationships. I have learned to make peace with my solitude and love the people who make my life so much happier without getting the feeling of pseudo loneliness because I always have my loved ones around when I need them the most. And even when I don’t have them, I have myself. I am learning to accept my vulnerabilities and strengths in a way I never identified them before. And I am thankful to the universe for helping me see the things the way I am seeing them now. And in adulthood, we all need to learn this one important fact- you need not have a constant presence of someone around you to know that they love you or care for you or you love them or care for them. We are adults who have different lives. There will be a phase when you will be completely involved in someone else’s life and you will let them come close to you but when it’s time to be an adult, be one.  A healthy relationship is the one where two independent people help each other grow and bring out the best in one another and help each other make the best out of their lives.

Dushmani toh muft hai
Bas dosti ki fees hai
Dosti ki fees hai…

Oh bhai re…
Dil hai ki gehri khai re

Apparently dosti ki fees nhi hai.

Pyaar dosti hai

Aur zindagi bas pyaar hai

Aur khud se dosti karlo to duniya dost hai, zindagi khush hai aur khushi ek aisi cheez hai jo hamare haath mei hai.

It does not mean that when you are having a bad day or feel hurt, by just thinking to be happy you will be happy. No you will feel the pain but you will also see a ray of light in the darkness that life is putting you through and it will be enough for you to sustain and then shine like a star when the darkness slowly fades.

We live in a dual world, without sadness, there cannot be happiness and without tragedies, there would be no comedy. Just keep playing along and love my friend. Love for your own self and life around you and peace within are the most important things in life at any point. So just keep loving. Don’t seek love, become love aur zindagi gulzar hai.

I have made the mistake of seeking love and I keep repeating this mistake too but when I am able to just love without seeking anything in return that just makes me so much happier. And I am grateful for those days when I feel love myself and don’t seek it and it automatically comes to me making me feel fuller. ❤

 

scribbles · story

Exam Halls are Meditation Centers

Well, this year has been quite eventful and uneventful at the same time.

Usually, when I go for an exam, I am so well prepared that if I reach early, I revise the entire syllabus in the waiting time in my head but this time I was unprepared for an exam and I reached the exam hall an hour early. I went inside and I had nothing to do, there was absolute silence, we were not supposed to talk to the stranger sitting next to us, we neither had a pen or a paper to doodle or phones or anything. I just had to sit in one place doing nothing at all.

I stared at all the people around me, I looked at people’s clothes, I counted the number of lights and fans in the room, I basically observed every single thing around me and I watched my mind having all sorts of thoughts. There was a constant conversation between me and my mind where I was asking my mind to stop thinking about all the rubbish shit it was thinking and cooking up random scenarios, all of them had to stop and I came back to the present moment and then there was this conversation- exactly why I should stop thinking and be in the present moment because darling, there is officially nothing to do in the present moment except to stare at the clock and time pass by like that before the exam begins.

And that is when it hit me that exam halls are pseudo meditation centers.

I was constantly aware of my thoughts, my surroundings, my mind, and my breath too and when the question paper was in front of me, I was not thinking about how I am hungry or how someone had hurt me or anything like that. I was completely there, writing my exam and I did not even for once think that if I had studied, I would be writing a better exam, no. I had all these thoughts and reflections after the exam was over and I was riding back in the metro.

Now I finally understand that why life is called an exam, life in itself is a very big and giant exam and we all are constantly living that exam except that we are not aware that we are writing an exam and hence we often fail because we don’t live in the present moment, we are always living in a world created in the past or in future but not where we are exactly.

Let’s change that. Should we?