Lust for Life, Thirst to Thrive.

Hey Dear Readers,

I have come on to write on my blog after 2 years. And honestly I am nervous. My last post was made in 2020 and I had shared too much about Depression and Anxiety and how I don’t feel like living. Guess what I AM ALIVE! I really didn’t think so that I would be, because I was pretty miserable. I have been on a journey which not many will understand. But I have come to realize a couple of things. And first realization being, that I have so much lust for life and a thundering thirst to thrive. And so much hunger for freedom. But my lovelies, freedom comes with a price. And that price is priceless which cannot be described by words. To enjoy the fruits of freedom, you got to be FEARLESS AS FUCK!

And as a woman born in a middle class family in North India, we are conditioned to be fearful from childhood by parents, friends, school, society, teachers, mentors, gurus, politicians, administration where you work and what not. Don’t offend people, don’t be too loud, don’t say that, don’t sit like that, laugh like that, walk like that, talk like that. Be docile, respectful. Cover your body. Never express your sensuality. Don’t share that you are/were being sexually abused, emotionally abused. If relatives are mean to you or disrespectful or body shame you, don’t say a word. But I refuse to buy this IDEA and this BULLSHIT! You give respect, you get respect. Just because you are elder and related to me by blood, I won’t respect you if you are a JERK or JACKASS or A MEAN ASS BITCHY AUNTY!

Throughout my life, I have fought in the school, universities, with my parents to let me have my FREEDOM. Cut to adulthood and dating life, I am again fighting about my freedom with the men I date and trust me I have dated enough of them, across different states, religions and caste and some of them even living abroad. One phrase that I have never stopped hearing, ever since my dating life began back in 2013 is “NEHA, YOU ARE TOO MUCH TO HANDLE”

Yes, I am too much. And I won’t let another man dim my light. We have made our women free thinkers and independent but we haven’t taught our Indian Men to deal with the modern woman as Jerry Pinto puts in his book “Surviving Women”

Amit Tandon in his 2017 Stand up comedy said that Men in India are not born stupid but they are brought up stupid. And that is the second ULTIMATE TRUTH after DEATH. Refer to the quote- “Life is a Journey, Death is the Ultimate Truth.”

Anyway that is not the point of this blog, the point is I have so much lust for life, thirst to thrive that the rules of current society are holding me back. But this journey that I am on, be it of being a PhD Researcher, be it being on a Spiritual Path, be it wanting more out of life, is a lonely journey. Shah Rukh in his interview said that “I have always wanted to be on the top, but let me tell you, being on the top takes a lot of courage and it is very lonely up there. But that’s the price I have to pay for being THE Shah Rukh Khan”

So I have realized that I am SPECIAL AS FUCK. And I want to be THE NEHA THUREJA: THE WOMAN WHO HAS ALWAYS BEEN TOO MUCH. And it will be super lonely. I often think about things like- Whether I have it in me to take on this journey? Will I survive? Will I have the money? Will I be able to attain my goals and get to my higher purpose? Will I be able to become who I want to be? Will I be able to let go of all the Karmic Debts? Settle all of my karmic accounts? Will I be able to complete the journey of my soul? Who is this “I” that I keep referring to? Where does this “I” come from? Will I have a companion or is it going to be solo trip? What if I get exhausted? Will I get my tribe? On second thoughts, I do feel that I have a tribe, I am just not there with my tribe yet.

I live in dual worlds- one where I am a privileged girl who affords herself luxury spas where she experiences the joy of Tantra that OSHO talks about and the other one who goes to the villages and observes the lives of farmers and women in rural areas and want to make a change in this world by being in the village and wants to be a revolutionary. And I don’t know what path to take, whether I should aim for luxury or whether I should go to the roots, whether I should take the path of marriage or whether I should just become love and keep on loving as and when life gives me the opportunity without binding myself in the rulebook of society- Study. Job. Work. Career. Marriage. Kids. Grandkids. Die. Repeat.

You see I am not perfect, I am neither enlightened. I cry out loud and laugh out loud and when I get angry, hurt or upset, I EXPRESS THOSE too. And yes, I am not fearless yet. I do have my own share of fears. And I am confused about my path, my journey. I want to be attached but also be detached. Some of the things that I do are logical and some are pure filmy magic and then there are certain out of body psychic experiences that are above logic and beyond magic that make people say that “Oh don’t bother about her. She’s Crazy”, maybe I am.

For so many years, I thought I wanted to die, I thought I hate life or life hates me and maybe I should not be alive anymore. Those thoughts do bother me today also but I have realized that it wasn’t the above case ever. I HAVE ALWAYS HAD THE LUST FOR LIFE AND THIRST TO THRIVE and guess what! I will do it someday and it could be 6 months from now on or maybe 6 years from now on! I will come back to this space of Euphoric Being, My blog to share that I did it. Because I am gonna do it baby! WATCH OUT.

An Open Letter to Shah Rukh Khan

Dearest Shah Rukh Sir,

Over the past so many years, I have written several letters to you in my diary and it has taken a lot of thought and courage to begin writing this open letter, a letter which I am not sure if you are ever going to read but nonetheless here I am finally pouring my heart out on this blog of mine which is more or less my space of speaking my ideas whenever I feel that people around me don’t understand me.

I remember I was in school, during my early teenage years when I first watched DDLJ and fell in love with it and fell in love with you. And since then I have been a big fan of yours. I remember watching DDLJ over and over again. And seeing my love for you and the movie, my father gifted me a CD of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai when he returned from one of his business trips, usually, he would get me chocolates but this one time he got this and I was so so so happy. My family doesn’t own a TV Set, we used to have it but then we sold it off but we have had a computer and we would watch Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, again and again, every day for days at dinner. And I and my mom both would fall in love with you every day.

And Kal Ho Na Ho is one movie which is our movie to watch whenever life gets into a crisis. It could be a big crisis or a small one and we would just watch KHNH for days and sort our issues in life. It is just that one movie which sets our mood right to deal with our issues head-on. That movie plays the role of Aman that you played in our real lives, making things sorted for everyone.

Dear Sir, I am a nerd. I read more than I watch movies, and if I have watched 10 movies so far, 8 of them are yours. Your body of work is so large that I haven’t managed to watch all of it but I have watched most of your movies and I have watched them again and again and again for years. I turn 24 years next month and I have watched DDLJ, DTPH, KHNH, KANK, Dil Se, K3G, Chak De India at least more than 100 times each of them. While others I might have watched once or twice. I have so much love for you that there are occasions when I could be just listening to your songs or watching you on the screen that I blush. Maybe that’s because of my habit of reading that I get completely immersed in the book as well as the movie. When Dear Zindagi came, I felt like Alia’s character at one point in time in my life during my years of college and that movie made me cry and love my life and your look in that movie is your best look so far, I fell in love with you all over again.

Sir, you have so many fans all across the world and whenever I come across one of them and tell them I love you and your work, they get really mad at me when they get to know that I have missed watching a few of your movies but sir, I might have missed a few movies here and there but my love for you is infinite. I absolutely adore the person that you are. I love your award shows, your interviews, your Ted talks, your Instagram profile, the thoughts that you share, the kind of doting father, husband and a person that you are.

I saw a podcast of yours on YouTube and there in the video a small portion of your library was visible and I just felt too elated that my collection also has the same books which were visible. It just made me feel more connected to you to know that you and I are reading the same books.

Sir, I am almost 24 and I haven’t really dated anyone till now because I live in a dreamy world of books, fiction and the romantic movies of yours. Romance for me is synonymous with you and I am sure that it is same for everyone in any generation, not just mine who has watched your movies and loved them. I watch your movies and dream of a fantasy love story of mine even though I have watched each of the above movies so many times that their dialogues are imprinted in my mind. If I revised my syllabus to the extent I revise your movies, I would have topped the university instead of being in top 10 students.

My experience in the department of love has been quite disappointing and then I remember one of the famous lines you quoted in the Anupam Kher Show- “Kabhi kisi ko muqamal jahaan nahi milta, kahi zameen to kahi aasman nhi milta”

To be honest, I am extremely blessed in all other aspects of life and I have so much gratitude for the life and the people I have. I have been in love once and I have loved hard. And the reason I became friends with the guy I loved was that he was one of the biggest SRK fans. That one person who obsessed over you more than I did and we would flirt using all the different dialogues from your movies. We would create a happy bubble and then it would burst because we all get real too.

Not a week goes by when I don’t obsess over you and your songs and your movies. I am sure you have all kinds of crazy fans across the globe and I am just one of them but somehow I hope that you read this letter. I have written several fan mails, sent appreciation msgs on Instagram and have been wishing you a happy birthday every year on all my social media accounts in the hope that someday you will read and get to know about the existence of this crazy fan too.

Dear sir,

You bring so much hope, love and light to my life on all kinds of days- good days, bad days, disappointed in men days, rough days, tough days and what not. You make me believe in dreams and all things beautiful. Your characters are not perfect but they are full of love and that’s what really matters on some days. Thank you for existing and for doing the kind of work you have done over the years and still continue to do.

-A letter from a girl who loves you and loves to live in a dream and hopes that you will read this.

“Agar kisi cheez ko Dil se chaho to poori qaynaat tumhe uss se milaane ki saazish Mei lag jaati hai”

Mai bas chahti hu k aap ye letter padh lo. Bas itna hi.