What My Depression and Therapy Sessions Made Me Realize

It’s no news that I have been depressed. I have been pretty open about my mental illness and have reached out for help and have been lucky enough to get help at the right time as well. From being perpetually suicidal to being normal functional human being who manages to now take bath everyday even in winters, manages to concentrate and study, manages to eat her meals on time and have a sound sleep, I still end up sleeping a lot than a normal human being but I guess that’s acceptable when you’re recovering and I don’t have to beat myself up for sleeping. But I have had tremendous realizations when I went through this turmoil of depression and a series of therapy sessions. Before proceeding further, I’d like to share a happy news that I am out of the clinical depression phase but I still have to take care of my triggers because it’s a precarious stage where I can go both ways. I am at a point where I can either come out of it or go into a super dark place if triggered and then it would be super difficult to come out of it. So far my graph is upwards instead of spiraling downwards like it was for months that I hit my rock bottom and all I could wonder about was how to kill myself but now I have hopes, laughter, smiles, goals, now I wake up in the morning and have something to look forward to.

Anyway I was talking about the realizations I have had. I realized that I am 24 years old and I am about turn 25 in two months and twenty nine days and I have not lived my life for myself at all. I have lived a life which was ALWAYS approved of by my parents. I have let others make choices for myself and my life and have not lived an individual life and occasionally I have rebelled in order to establish my authority over my life but that rebellion was also validated and it was not complete rebellion. I have lived whole of my life in fear and I have always wanted to be accepted by the social standards, always being the conventional “good girl” and not making any mistakes and whenever I was about make a mistake I have always been taken care of by my parents and teachers because they have been the closest to me and whenever it came to friends and friendships I have always tried to make my friends happy by doing what suited them and what they liked instead of actually saying or demanding what I like in a friendship and whenever I have done so, I have lost people and so keep the people close to me I have put myself behind and put others first and I have been terribly alone but at the same time I have realized that the right people and the right friends do stick around no matter what. When I was going through a rough period, I thought I had nobody but I had so much support and so much unexpected support that I cannot fathom and I am extremely grateful for that.

Depression took away my identity for me. If I were to define myself, it would be, A Happy Go Lucky Girl who loved to read, write, talk and meet new people and go out and have fun.. the girl who would laugh uncontrollably at almost anything and spread smiles around. Things that I have been really proud of as a person is how I would laugh with complete abandon. I have ample number of pictures of me just laughing, laughing, laughing and laughing. I’m someone who has laughed in a sensual situation and made it comedy and turned the guy off but I really don’t regret it you know. Because I was just plain happy. Depression took away my uncontrollable laughter, it took away what I loved the most-my habit of reading and writing, I just could not concentrate to read and writing stopped coming to me naturally. All I wanted was to stay at home, in bed and cry and do nothing, like life became absolutely meaningless for me. I started hating myself, my life, my surroundings and everything about it. I constantly had this need to be around someone, to have a friend to talk to, but at the same time I felt like a constant burden on everyone I loved and everyone who loved me. I stopped being comfortable with the idea of being alone, being alone sent me into complete loneliness and would make me feel suicidal. Depression took away who I was as a human being. And therefore, therapy came to rescue.

Now, with therapy I realized all that was missing from my life was self love and taking a stand for myself and living the life on my own terms. I have always let others decide for myself, sometimes it has been my parents, sometimes it has been my teachers, sometimes it has been my friends but I haven’t really made my own choices and whenever I tried to make my own choices, I have been afraid and fear has kept me from living my own life on my own and I have ended up conforming to the social norms because it was safe. And safety has led me to depression. Not making enough mistakes has led me to depression. Always playing it by the rules of the society has led me to depression. And now that I am coming out of it, there is a lot of confusion that is going on in my head, there is a lot of bravery and courage I need to actually start living my own life and I know it will make me lose out on a lot of friendships, I will be disappointing my parents, I will be making mistakes but “here’s the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something’s a mistake, you gotta make it anyway.” Said the famous Ted Mosby. I am learning to be alone again and this time it is peaceful. I have the right people in my life and I hope to make through this journey.

Honestly I would always be confused what I wanted to talk about with my therapist but this time after writing out this entire blog post I now know what to talk in the next session. Wish me luck if you can and I wish you all the best for your personal battles in life. I hope you make it too.

Much Love.

 

 

There are things left to say

Hello Dear Readers,

I hope you all are doing really well in your respective lives and even if you are not, better days are on their way, so have patience. It’s easier said than done but trust me, just try.

Anyway, I had put up a shutdown post sometime back. On 6th July 2018, I said that I will be shutting down this blog which I have built over a period of five long years because I wanted to take up blogging to another different level. I wanted to be professional in my writing. I wanted to write about economic issues and other important things that go around the world and help the student community majorly through that blog. While the work for that is under process, I still have things left to say. I am not a professional economics student 24*7. I am human and this blog represents the human side of me. I have experimented with all kinds of writings, emotions, ideas here, so I am back to my familiar writing space in a community where I do have a bunch of regular readers across the world, with whom I may not have personal contact but interactions on WordPress,  about ideas, poetry, writing and the feeling that no matter what, we are all the same people deep down is comforting.

Anyway, I have started to digress from the topic like I always do. I spend so much time setting up the context of the blog post that I get tired when I start to write the real thing. So without wasting any more time, I am here to talk about all the random stuff that comes to my mind while writing this. So no context. Feel free to leave reading at this point, or maybe get on with it and just go “Hmmmm, What did she actually say?” at the end. Your call. Choose Wisely. Here I start.

 

Sexual harassment and Mental Health are the two hot topics which we get to read about constantly on our social media accounts. Women are coming out with their stories which happened years ago, people are trying to talk about their mental health issues. There is so much good happening around us. We are in one of those times where we are actually using our freedom of expression and there are both sides to it. There are people in support and there are people who are mocking and demeaning us in ways which makes us fear the idea of talking about things that bother us. I refrain from talking about issues on social media because I personally do not have the energy to get involved in pointless debates on the internet that take away time, energy and mental peace. However, whenever there is a positive talk, I do indulge because even in the virtual world of technology, few positive words work wonders. Someone might have had a shitty morning and if you just tell them I hope you have a good day, much love to you, it might make them smile only for like 5 seconds but if they reflect and feel a bit lonely, this could be their cue to feeling a little okay at least if not better. In times like these, it is extremely important we choose the right things to read and write on the social media. Because there are bright sides and a dark hole which will consume you. And I am a person who is often confused so I have done both. I have been on the bright sides and I have been consumed by the dark hole.

And honestly, most of my writings and blog posts are for myself first and then for my readers. I am selfish that way. I like to write about things that hurt, I love to write about things that make me uncomfortable, that make me cry, that is cringeworthy at times as well because in my personal experience, this is the way I talk to myself, where I can be a friend to myself and enjoy my own company. And why I choose to put up such things on my blog is simply because I know I am not alone, there are a few bunch of people out there who think like me, who act like me, who are like me in so many ways and might just find comfort in their lives through these confused looking write-ups.

“It is always easier to be strong for your loved ones than for yourself.”

I read this line sometime back, somewhere. I don’t know the exact source, however, all I know is that this line has stayed with me for the longest time. I have had a tendency to attract all sorts of weird crazy broken people towards me and I used to think that it is my job to fix them all and I did that for years, since school time, since the time I remember having people around me. I was a people pleaser, I have always wanted people around me to be happy, even at the cost of my own happiness. Well, the world was not what I saw it to be with my rose-tinted glasses. People use and abuse good people like things and I have had my share of that. So now I am like chuck everyone, I rather started to enjoy the idea of offending people by not being always nice to them, mostly I became mean to my own relatives and aunts and uncles and anyone who did not give a good vibe. I became too judgemental and what I did was wrong, so don’t do that. Be nice to people, always. It is easy. And if you do not feel like being nice, back off, don’t offend someone, it hurts later. I have had my share of regrets there.
So I was reading a post I wrote in 2013, it said don’t let the negativity around you change the way you look at the world, be good and the good things and people will come to you. But I did not stick to what I believed in and used my negative experiences to build so many walls around me. I did let the negativity get to me and then a series of poetry and posts which I wrote had this one constant thought- I do not like the person I am becoming and suddenly I  was lost forever. I knew my way, I knew my road and I hid behind the words- Maybe, I don’t know. I was just too scared to open myself up again until sometime back. From being someone who was comfortable alone and enjoyed her own company a lot, I started to get dependent on the outside of the things to get happy, I started wanting to have company, being alone did not feel as peaceful as it used to because of so many self-created issues and disorder of overthinking and less writing. I stopped being my own lucky charm because I stopped being strong for myself. I was strong for others but not myself the way I used to be. And that is when I started to love myself a little less and get critical and at the same time wanted so much out of me as a human that all of it got too much. I had high ambitions and failures simultaneously and everything then turned out to be about me. I started caring a little less about others, even my loved ones, even the family I am a part of, I distanced myself from everyone, most importantly, from myself.

Perhaps, the only person we need to be strong for is ourselves. Loving oneself is the only important thing because if I love myself enough, I’ll love you enough and a virtuous circle will start instead of a vicious circle of being critical towards oneself and the world. This is what I have been realizing and learning every day for past couple of weeks

Why on earth I am putting all of this in a blog post? All the things mentioned here are personal experiences and ideas and thoughts and the journey? Why is it up here on the WordPress blog? Because I have a dear friend who once told me, you are not alone. There are crazy people out there like you who have similar issues, who have similar problems, who have similar thought patterns and that is why you find Instagram posts that relate to you, that is why you find poems that feel as if they are describing you, that is why you find books whose main character looks just like you because deep down we are all humans and I hope this post finds you. I hope it makes you feel less alone, I hope it makes you write, talk to the ones you love, create art, go to comfortable familiar places which remind you of who you are and I wish you find friends who throw away your personal dictionary of weirdly stupid ideas and help you correct the fundamental thought of life and most importantly make you feel loved and worthy enough because you are worthy without doing any productive thing on a lazy day and you deserve the happiness and love you are getting. Don’t be like me questioning happiness. Be you. Meanwhile, I’ll try to be a better me.

oh, did I tell you that when you sing at the top of your voice, that is the ultimate happiness? So my dear reader, what are you waiting for?

And yes, this blog is back to being alive. I’ll keep updating both. This one and the professional blog under construction, show some love there too when it is launched. Thank you all so much in advance.

Heart on the sleeve

To love is the most personal thing ever. You just identify one human and make him or her the subject of your affection. We human beings are born with a heart and in this real world of fake people and transient forevers, this heart of ours gets beaten up often and we become this cold distant humans whose hearts are locked up because we are too afraid of love and feeling vulnerable. That feeling when your soul is absolutely naked in front of someone you love is unsettling, it gives you a pittish feeling in the centre of your chest and your bosom feels ached to be hugged and held tight but that doesn’t happen and you continue to live like that feeling that void and carrying it with you wherever you go. You don’t know the beloved’s heart. You may know it and it may break your heart but you still choose to keep going on feeling strange and having that heart on your sleeve because for a moment Rumi’s words heal you and you believe in universe and destiny and Ted Mosby who taught you to never give up on someone you love even when it completely destroys you and there you are smiling and going on as if nothing has happened while your heart lays exposed like never before. I have got only one thing to say here-

Dear heart,

just own it like you have always owned it. Afterall hearts were made to be broken. Keep showing off the sleeve.
Or maybe just fade off slowly while you bleed with your heart on the sleeve. But never lock the heart inside. Never.

1.2.3.4.5. I think I’ll make it. So shall you.

1. Inner peace is not over-rated. 
You know what. I am having an existential crisis. And I am the independent girl you would like to call when you are in crisis. I have always thought meditation and looking for peace is over rated. Trust me it is not. Yes I do feel awkward sitting by myself trying to chant “Om Shanti Om, I am a peaceful soul.” Because clearly I am not. I try to calm my demons every now and then and there they are dancing around fire ignoring my attempts for serenity and laughing right back at me and when I get exhausted, I enjoy their company. Let inner peace take a backseat. 
2. Comfortably Numb.
This feeling of being comfortably numb is as addictive as coffee. One just craves to be there if you’re going either way. Happiness comes with *Conditions Apply. And when moving on towards sadness, comfortably numb is an alluring destination. We don’t realize that there’s no destination in life, it is a journey with stations to stop by. But you know I keep missing my trains often. 
3. I am a needy girl but I won’t accept this fact. 
I am a normal girl (well not exactly normal). I want a good career. I like to be independent but at the same time, I have the same dreams like any stereotypical girl, that I often judge. I do crave having a relationship. I do wish for a guy to pamper me with clichéd romantic gestures. I do wish to have a perfect relationship with my girlfriends, have nightouts, pajama parties, sleep overs and gossip sessions. Instead I hide behind this statement, “I find all of this boring, reading books is my escape” well books are indeed my escape but these things are not boring. I just call them boring because I don’t get to do all of this. I like to have attention. When people appreciate me for my work, for my strength I like it. I don’t take criticisms really well but I am learning to. I am fairly independent yet not so independent. I fight my own battles yet I like someone to be around just to listen to me. I might say I am okay even when I am not but then I will tell you everything that bothers me if you say you have time to listen to me when I ask “do you have time? Can I rant a little?” 
I know I can manage everything in life because I have been doing that. But that doesn’t negate my needs and desires which I often mock at just to make myself feel comfortable. I am a needy girl but I won’t accept this fact. 
4. I think I’ll make it anyway.
Despite 1,2,3 I still think I can make it because I do have the best people in life. I do have the best of books to depend on. I do have an amazing family and career and teachers. Romance is not everything I am told. Maybe someday I will start living without the desire for romance because trust me rest everything I have. 
5. Why are you reading this? What you shall gain by reading about a girl like me?
You’re reading this because we’re all made of the same stardust and I want you to know that we all have our shortcomings, some we accept, some we don’t. But we all make it anyway. We all are blessed in so many ways even when we all have been broken at one point. Let’s just hold on to our dear ones and twist our lives through because walking straight is not our thing after all these years. 

Ghostly existence

Of choices it is.
Of identity it is.
Life takes several assessments
Result doesn’t matter as long as you appear.

Treachery is lucrative
Unethical paths too.
People will hold your hands but only because they could get through.

Fascinating world it is.
Number of chums are insignificant
As long as you are significant.
You exist. You’re alone.
You don’t. Well, it doesn’t take much to be a ghostly existence.
Of pride it is.

Roads.

Remember the two roads that diverged
in yellow woods? And you chose the less traveled one.
What if you realise that there were three roads instead of two?
What if you want to revisit that divergence?
What if you want to chose again?
What if you want to carve out another road, that would be only yours?

You didn’t know yourself back then.
Do you think that you know now?
no, I presume.
What do you want, you don’t know.
All you look for is an escape.
Eluding to the blue, wanting to disappear.
However, all you wish is to do something tremendous and get noticed.
Funny, isn’t it?
You’re ambitious and laid-back all at the same time.
How can you cry and laugh at the same time?
How can you feel pain and ecstasy at the same time?
How can you go back to that divergence?
HOW I WISH!